This Space for Rent

My Subjects! Please make a note in your records that the Imperial Residence has changed. From now on, you may locate the PDRR at This Space For Rent.
Please make a note. Also, bear in mind that the new residence is a work in progress. it will be come more staely as the construction crew gets their shit together. Meaning, as soon as I GMST.

Thank you. Ross out.

Like a gentle, helpful breeze, temperate and without any malice, G, of G's Spot has cracked the secret of cover songs, and in the process, managed to resurrect one of my favorite old timey pastimes, letting stupid pothead bands have it full throttle. Regarding the ass that is Nebraska's 311, she says, Poignantly:

Anywho, since I'm up, let me rant about something that's been bugging me like a repeated sharp jab in the eye. Someone please explain 311 to me. Why do they suck so much? Is it the stupid amber song? Is it the fucking joke of "reggae/funk/alternative/pop/rock/rap/metal" crap that they spout? Oh, no. Sure, they suck because of these reasons, but they didn't hit the earbleed level of suck until they 1) redid the Cure's Lovesong 2) with a bad imitation of a trippingly happy Robert Smith (this isn't Love Cats, people!) 3) sold it to the media moguls of "let's create a romantic movie with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler AGAIN" and last but not least 4) convinced indiscriminate (aka deaf) radio listeners to request it because they just love that song. ARGH.

That's where 311 shows their suckage. They try to mold their pothead dippiness into the depressing earnestness of Smith's style, copying every inflection of the original vocals, but to a melting waxy bop that is full frontal 311 bad.

Post Limp Bizkit, in the era of POD and all that other shit, it's easy to forget that once upon a time shitty, untalented pothead white boys with metal roots pretending to be into hip hop or worse, reggae didn't have many people to look up to. It was due to the work of such pioneering fucktards as 311 that the the suffering we must endure today was made possible. Though I'm appaled at their horrid, horrid cover of an otherwise great song, I'm glad they're back to remind me of the hate I so long ago reassigned to shit like the Strokes and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Sure, the Stokes and the BRMC pussies are complete fakers, but at least they're faking somewhat good music. It's difficult to muster up true hatred for music that's only blindingly generic rather than truly wretched. I can only hate them because of their insufferable "cool" attitudes and the fact that their fans don't realize they've been had. 311 reminds me that suck isn't just a pose, it's a way of life and for that, I'm glad they're back. That said, I will beat them when I meet them. Nobody fucks with My Cure and gets away with it.

So anyway, don't forget to check it peeps. Of course, G outs herself as a Tori fan at the very end, but then, I like Morrissey, so who am I to judge? Plus, I've seen Tori Amos twice, once with Rufus, so who am I REALLY to talk.

Word. Ross out.


PS: Yo, the Strokes and BRMC, don't think I've forgotten how lame you are. I just have new perspective. I still won't be liking you anytime soon.

The best comment of the day comes in reference to that lame "you complete me" line from Jerry McGuire, possibly the all time dumbest most cringe inducing crap line in the history of cinema:

K: I can't fucking hear that line without imagining it coming from a deaf gimpy special olympics athlete
K: (and yes I know that's crass)
K: But I hear THAT voice

In a move sure to send ripples through the 14 year old boy and 35 year old maxim reading masturbator demographic, Computer Lip Sync service worker and Botox Spokeswoman Kyle Minogue is reportedly marrying her committed boy toy and Eye Candy, some French dude no one has ever heard of except for a bunch of Lame homo art movies fans. Stupid Queers the world over will now have the privilege of knowing they've totally robbed us of a totally sweet piece of ass.

In other news, I'm hitting this beer bong later tonight, and seeing if I can scare up some 'tang. That one girl over there totally wants you dood. PEACE dawgs!

Now admittedly, I'm not the most on-the-ball person in the world when it comes to taking care of the things I've been trying to finish. I'm horrible about finishing creative projects (this year is diffs though, I swear!), I put off important financial things slightly too long, and I am really, really bad about sending CD covers to people for whom I've made awesome Mix CDs. Until today, I assumed this is why I don't work for NASA.

Then I find information like this. Let's face it, the headline should have said something closer to "WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK NASA??? HANDLE YOUR SHIT ALREADY!!!!

Asteroid Scare Prompts NASA to Formalize Response

An asteroid flew past Earth last week so close that it nearly entered an orbital halo where weather satellites roam. Scientists spotted it March 15 and watched it zoom by just three days later. It posed no threat, but there are hundreds of thousands more where that one came from.

-snip_

An unprecedented asteroid scare in January had astronomers worried for a few hours over a rock that had a 1-in-4 chance of hitting Earth during the next few days. At the time, some of the scientists were unsure who should be notified. The event has prompted NASA (news - web sites) to set up a formal process for notifying top officials in the future of any impending impacts, SPACE.com has learned.

Let. Me. Get. This. Straight. We have only one Government funded group of people staring at the sky and in 40 years they've never formalized the process for dealing with AWESOME KILLER SPACE ROCKS????? I can't work overtime without notifying at least three people, and I work for a startup website. Seriously, they want me to take calmly the fact that they didn't have this shit in place like, before? NASA, you must listen to me: I don't ever, ever, want to hear this from you again. Lie to me if you have to but from now on I want you at least looking like you're thinking about this stuff.

Ross out.

ADDENDUM: For the record, I am of course aware of the difficulties of plotting the trajectory of a moving object in the middle of the vastness of space, and then sending another object to hit it. I'm also really annoyed with the stupid media's tendency to report these things as if the end of the world is nigh.

That said, Didn't anyone read this? It came perilously close to our precious communication satelites! That's our nightly television on the line here people! I swear to god, losing my ability to watch BBC America and L&O reruns ad infinitum due to cosmic evil is something I just can't handle. I'd rather die than live in such a horrible world.

Good friend Ruth Brown, author of the amazing John Howard blog, finally has a blog for her own damnself, The Line of Contempt. Go check it out and tell her This Space For Rent Sentcha!

Also, Remember that she is a PDRR cabinet member. Show her the neccesary deference and fealty.

Apparently, there are a couple of guys up in King's Canyon claiming to be in grave mortal peril. Who knows what, exactly is really happening, but their version of things is certainly interesting. I don't know what they're playing at, but this is fucking incredible. Check it out at your own risk.

Or at least, that's what the headline should have been.

One year ago today (give or take a few hours or so) the non award-winning, non critically acclaimed, but somehow still completely awesome radio show I've been hosting, Theme Party, was born. Since then, I've been happy that it's mostly brought the sheer awesome might - We've talked about video games, making out, death, "first times", the birthdays of our friends, Hollywood, fighting, Montages, kissing, Ross Lincoln's amazing ego, and of course, Robots and Cyborgs and Pirates. And we've been fortunate to play a ton of kick ass music.

Tonight from 9 PM to 11 PM PST, me and my homies will be celebrating the beginning of our second year on the radio, and if you're a regular visitor to the site but you haven't listened, I promise you will regret joining us. IN advance, I want to let you know that you're all very pretty, smart, and talented. And that one person who dumped you is an asshole.

You can feel free to bring your own wine 'n spirits, and join in the conversation by IMing us using Yahoo ID thethemeparty, or our AOL IM Themepartyradio. For more information, hit our official site at www.ostrichink.com/themeparty.html and feel the knowledge increasing within seconds.

Additionally, free of charge, I'm going to be having an extra special all powerful Bonus Saturday ThemeParty, tomorrow from noon to 3 PM, substituting for the ever Generous Kill radio Clone hour. It will, simply put, rock you from here to Dallas and back. I promise!

I know I plug this show a lot, and I want to sincerely thank everyone who has been nice enough to listen, and I want to welcome to all newcomers. If you live in California, we know for a fact that you don't even think about leaving the house until 11, so what better waycould you get ready to go out than by kicking it with me and my krew? To everyone else, you know how much cheaper it is to bring the party back to your crib. Me and my friends will provide the entertainment and music, you just bring the drinks, and if you don't mind, some cuties.

Thanks for indulging my need to self promote. and remember, no matter what you do, never be ashamed to be enthusiastic.

Word

Actually, I'm thinking more "In Vino Veritas", which literally means "Drink and say a bunch of shit you wish you'd kept to yourself, even though it's totally true n shit. Damn". Or something to that effect. Anyway, It's almost 2 AM and I"m putting off the precious sleep I need because I need to make a certain point perfectly clear:

AMY AND MIKEY ARE TOTALLY GETTING IT ON.

I say this not only because it's true, but because they totally need to understand how uncool, in a completely cool way, it is to try to embarrass me when I'm very intoxicated and I find almost anything funny.

Here's the sitch: After dinner at The Yukon Mining Co, a delightful diner in West Hollywood with Frontier California circa 1850 theme, which means it's the all time gayest version of the 1850s ever, we went to the Roost for le drinks, which of course were awesome. There was a birthday party being held there, and someone was selecting some fucking amazing music. Her name was Laura. She was cute in a "I wouldn't ever date her but it's nice to be flirted with kind of way". Did I mention she totally drunkenly flirted with me? Well, she did and it was kind of funny. I'm glad I'm cute when I"m drunk, or at least, I'm glad that I've been able to stay non haggard, and non scary, so far.

My Compadres, Amy, Mikey, and Kiss My Fist thought this was so funny, they decided that my serious pleas of "I don't really want to talk to this girl, honest" didn't matter. Amy and KMF, against my wishes, decided to give this girl a message, written by them, with my phone number, that said "I.O.U. one roll in the hay, Ross".

Of course, I didn't authorize this message, and I was forced to go over to the girl and apologize for the hilarity, I mean, rudeness of my friends. The fact that I was laughing almost to tears as I apologized, and that everyone I was with was laughing as well meant little -I was going to do the right thing, which was drink a lot and laugh.

I wasn't all bad - I called a good friend and left them a message with almost all of "Turn Back Time" by Cher. Which obviously means I'm a helluva major catch. Seriously, awesome catch. Balee Dat. Anyway, my friends completely, if hilariously, embarassed me, so they deserve my humiliation returned onto them, Meanwhile, I've going to have some sleep.

And oh yeah: AMY AND MIKEY ARE TOTALLY GETTING IT ON

Now Hear This: Within the next week, there will be some *Major Changes* all up in this hellafied crizzib. What sort of changes you ask? Let's just say that the emperor is moving into some posh new digs just as soon as the Imperial Architects finish their laborious duties. It's going to Rock and shock the nation, I can promise you that.

In the meantime, I am here to announce the final selection of the second member of my Imperial Cabinet - I present to you The Minister of Doy, Undersecretary of Rocking Out, Australia's Ruth Brown.

She will provide extra mockery and ridicule to stupid, obvious stuff, and generally, point out to people far too lame to know otherwise when they're being dumb. She will also function as a much needed diplomatic attache between the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Ross, and the Forces of Rock, relations between the two great kingdoms having been strained as of late.

Granted, she currently has her own realm to rule according to her whims, but we're hoping she'll show up for official government pronouncements when she is able. In the meantime, hail your new cabinet member, and hail the PDRR. Fa Reelz.

You've been waiting for this, I can just tell. So Funny. best. Quiz. Ever.

It seems funny now, but once upon a time, I really liked Colin Powell. His autobiography changed the way I thought about the military, upward mobility in America, and the value and duty of civic participation. He also had a few choice things to say about people who used priviledge to escape their duties and responsibilities, but still reaped the rewards of being a citizen. I'm never, ever going to support the republican party unless I end up in an alternate iniverse where they aren't consistently on the wrong side of evry gosh darned issue, but until the Bush Adminisitration came along and he let them use him as a smokescreen for their ever increasing pigheaded wrongness, I always thought of Colin as one of the good ones. Too bad he's just another whore shilling for the official, corporate class warrior party line:

New Delhi -- Secretary of State Colin Powell, encountering the other side of a tempestuous debate in the United States, sought to assure Indians that the Bush administration would not try to halt the outsourcing of high-technology jobs to their country.

In a round of conversations with Indian leaders and college students on Tuesday, Powell found that the issue of the transfer of American jobs to India is as emotional in India as in the United States.

But whereas American politicians have deplored the loss of such jobs, it is clear that the anxiety in India focuses on threats by some in Congress to try to stop the transfer by legislation.

"Do you support outsourcing or are you against it?" a questioner asked Powell...

"Outsourcing is a natural effect of the global economic system and the rise of the Internet..." Powell said. "You're not going to eliminate outsourcing. But at the same time, when you outsource jobs, it becomes a political issue in anybody's country."

Powell emphasized that one purpose of his trip is to explain to India that because outsourcing has created a political problem in the United States, India could help by lowering its trade barriers.

Powell ... was quick to add that the Bush administration would work to train people for new jobs.

The White House endorsed Powell's comments.

"The secretary made clear in his remarks that we are concerned when Americans lose jobs, and we are focused on creating jobs for American workers, and the best way to do that is to open markets around the world, including in India," said Claire Buchan, a spokeswoman for the White House. "He also talked about the importance of training workers for the opportunities of the future."

For the record, I'm glad to see that there's beginning to be an acknowledgement that the outsourcing issue is in fact a two way street. Just as we're scared to our bones of losing our good jobs (and in a so called jobless recovery like the one we're in, it's REALLY scary), the Indians lucky enough to have the jobs we're screwing our workers over to give to them are equally scared that things are going to go badly for them, should American voters start getting really angry about the fact that jobs are leaving for India in droves.

Of course, the fact that committed corporatists are the ones in charge of addressing the problem are no help. That hilarious "retraining" canard they like to trot out would make me laugh if it weren't for the fact that it is effectively a meaningless fucking platitude. Retrain for what, exactly? This isn't like the 1800's. During the industrial revolution, new technology literally rendered ages -old professions utterly obsolete, and completely redefined the meaning of work and earning a living within a generation. The changes were astoundingly revolutionary, and led directly to the spread of capitalism, the end of feudalism, the invention of the majority of the world's modern economic theories, and most importantly in my book, to the need for and rise of the labor movement.

That isn't what is happening today. The skills American high tech or manufacturing workers have to offer are most certainly not suddenly obsolete and no longer in demand, owing to some fantastic new technology that renders computer programming, tech support, customer support, and parts assembly obsolete. If anything, the skills needed to provide these services are extremely highly prized, today more than ever. What's more, for people who aren't going to be doctors, lawyers, corporate management fucktards, politicians, extremely successful artists who no longer need a day job or freelance work to support themselves, rock stars, or lottery winners, these jobs represent the crème de le crème of potential earnings options for the average educated Joe. Unless our corporate masters are willing to pay to retrain everyone to be a doctor or lawyer, corporate management fucktard, or what have you, there just ain't anyplace else for our highly skilled workers to go.

Furthermore, the idea of retraining our workers when their skills are in fact in fucking high demand is an insult not only to our intelligence, but to the hard work people put in learning the skills necessary to gain these jobs. Because the truth is, the reason these jobs are leaving has nothing at all to do with the genius of capitalism, and everything to do with the class war Conservatives like to claim is being waged against them.

You see, in India, they have this little thing called "being a third world nation". That not only means infrastructure is horrendous, cost of living is a punch line compared to American expenses, and the pay required to make workers happy is correspondingly bafflingly low - it also means that the worker protections, expectation of upward mobility, decent living conditions, and rights we in the so called civilized world have come to expect, rightfully so, as our birthright, don't fucking exist, at least, not in any way that requires corporations to actually notice them.

The result of course is that our so called Captains of Industry are suddenly allowed to pay their new employees considerably less than it would cost to pay the same workers here in the USA (Because when you're not forced to pay 2000 a month rent for an efficiency in the only city left that still has decent job prospects, it kind of removes the idea that your rent ought to at least pretend to cover that rent). It also means that certain other expenses, like say, health care, workplace safety standards, employee morale, protecting the rights of your workers according to federal laws, etc, are either dramatically reduced, or removed outright from the equation.

What's most sinister about this however is that the workers being employed at these dramatically reduced prices aren't Henry Ford's famous worker-consumers. they're producing consumer good for US to buy here in the US. So, they're not actually building a stable consumer base in their own country, which means their money isn't distributed, thus, no rising middle class and meanwhile, our jobs leave which means the consumers propping up the jobs in India increasingly can't support those jobs with their purchasing. It is literally like a snake eating its own tail.

You see, the Indians have just as much of a right to hope for and expect prosperity as we do, and we should be doing everything we can to make sure that happens. But not like this. We're not seeing the proverbial rising tide lifting all boats, we're seeing just a bunch of raw materials being shifted around, until a convenient and profitable pattern is found. Unfortunately, the Indian workers, and our own workers, and consumers and workers worldwide are those raw materials, and we're getting screwed.

Meanwhile, no one is talking about real solutions, and we're being encouraged to think of Indian workers as our competition, rather than our friends and allies. That's the final insult. We need to realize that national governments and international laws are being circumvented by corporations taking advantage of the fact that globalization is strictly economic and not legal or political. As long as there is no corresponding authority system to go along with the international economic system, we're effectively sentencing our own prosperity to death, and securing a stillbirth for the nascent prosperity in the developing world.

Instead, we need to recognize that in spite of what corporate thugs might say, they aren't patriots spreading the US culture across the world - like all big businesses, they're in it for themselves, which is as it should be. No one should be so naive as to fail to recognize the benefits of capitalism, at least, in a mixed economic model. Just as political self determination is one half of a prosperous and just society, so too is economic self determination. However, we have severe limits on what we can and can't do politically and socially, and the same ought to be true for how we conduct business. After all, certain things are simply too important to be left to the whims of capricious economic fate. We have to realize that it's our elected governments, chosen by us, and not non elected business leaders, who should have more say so in how our futures are determined. therefore, Governments the world over should be lining up together, to politely and productively counter the imbalance caused by amoral and apolitical business entities.

I've suggested once before that what we need is a Geneva Convention of Commerce and Labor, and I stand by that. We need an international agreement to make sure that workers, consumers, and political freedoms are put ahead of the corporate bottom line, and this agreement needs to come with teeth. We have to make the businesses of the world realize that they are merely products of the consumer, for the consumer, in the same way our political forebearers realized that governemtns are products of the people, and for the people - Until then, we're faced with the possibility of remaking the entire world as an macrocosm of the 1800s. Here's hoping we wake up in time.

Found this via Tristero, and it needs little comment:

Take that, Wolf

Former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Richard Holbrooke appeared on CNN yesterday but apparently didn't feel like playing the game of the day with Wolf Blitzer. The pundits and politicians who have hyped the "Will Kerry name the leaders?" story these last several days have ignored the substance. But Holbrooke stated it clearly: What John Kerry said about world opinion of the U.S. is very much, sadly, true. It's a shame most of the media, taking the GOP's lead, allowed the story to devolve into a game to see if Kerry would name names. As Holbrooke suggests: Get a passport and a flight to almost anywhere and ask around. Or check the Pew poll on world opinion released Tuesday.

Here's a partial transcript of Holbrooke on CNN:
"BLITZER: Ambassador Holbrooke, thanks very much for joining us. A little revised version of what John Kerry said. He said, "I've met more leaders who can't go out and say it all publicly, but boy, they look at you and say, you got to win. This you got to beat this guy, we need a new policy, things like that." So there is enormous energy out there. The president today said, if he makes an accusation, he has a responsibility to back it up. What do you say?

RICHARD HOLBROOKE, FRM. U.S. AMB. TO U.N.: John Kerry committed an unpardonable crime in Washington: he spoketh the truth. What he said is self-evidently true. There's a new poll out today by the Pew Institute, a worldwide pool, which shows massive and growing anti-Americanism around the world. Now American voters need to make up their own mind who they prefer, George W. Bush or John Kerry. But they also ought to know this administration is isolating us in the world, weakening us. Recent events in Spain, this election are another example.

John Kerry said something everybody knows is true. And, Wolf, you know it's true. And why don't I say just one other thing. Why don't you, instead of staging a silly he said/he said between the White House, which is throwing all this mud at John Kerry after he said something true. Why don't you poll your foreign correspondents on CNN. And ask them who the population and leaderships in the world would prefer to see elected? Very simple."

Oh Snap, that's some heavy handed bitch slapping there Richard. And Wolf deserves it. He's deserved it since the impeachment, but especially now. Damn that feels good. Keep it coming guys, keep it coming.

This election is going to be fun, I can already tell.

I knew I should have said something about the L Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition related hilarity! Luckily, K is on the ball, proving once again why she is the Grand Vizier of the PDRR, and why I am so completely crushed.

In my now many years of Sunny Los Angeles Living, I've been to the LRH Life Exhibition many times - it was one of the first things I did, the very first time I came to visit Los Angeles, and my fellow Oklahomies and I make a point of taking all newcomers to see it whenever possible. Briefly, the LRH Life Exhibition is an ostentatiously hagiographic depiction of L Ron Hubbard's life, without context, cited sources, or laugh track, helpfully enhanced by cheesy slide shows, video presentations, and of course, a free demonstration of some of $cientology's more ridiculous principles and inventions. It utterly defies belief that anyone could walk through this sham Passion Play and come out convinced of anything other than the fact that L Ron clearly padded his resume under a mountain of pure Montana Bullshit, yet I still see people actually suckered into buying the books from time to time. Luckily, no such conversion is possible with me, since I happen to find even the most reasonable faiths to be made of Swiss cheese.

You're taken through a large scale Diorama of the various stages of L Ron Hubbard's life, and though I am damn sure they've changed certain things about the story from time to time*, the main narrative, namely that LRH was clearly a superior genius who, from his earliest days was searching for The Answer(tm), and while supporting himself as a shitty, I mean, Pulp writer, managed to apply Science(tm) to his quest, until he found The Answer(tm), remains unchanged. If you're the kind of person who knows nothing about US history, the non scientology view of L Ron, or psychology, then I could see you being somewhat intrigued by this hokum, but for the rest of us, it's the unintentional comedy smash of the season.

As I said, I've been there many times and it's always great. However, whenever it gets to the part about the $cientology sauna that magically removes all your impurities, I am too busy stifling laughter to actually pay attention to the little details. All I hear is their assertion that under $cientological purification regimens, years and years of subcutaneous poisons and impurities are washed out of your system. Like, for instance, Medication. Hair Dye. Old Sunburns. One of these poor misguided souls even had the audacity to claim she saw someone once exposed to radioactive materials actually sweat out fucking uranium (Greg, Tom and josh will remember the incredulous look on my face, and the look of terror when Kate asked "Just what the hell are you putting in the steam?"). This stuff is of course fucking crazy, but lucky for us, it's also fucking hilarious. Thanks again L Ron.

One detail I have always missed until this last trip is the universal mention of a regimen of vitamin supplements, including taking niacin supplements. Until I went to this hilarity with someone in possession of actual non layman's science knowledge, I merely assumed the ridiculous properties assigned to the Scientology spa were the result of willful delusion, much in the same way Christians in those stupid mega churches pretend that they've been possessed by the Holy Spirit and are now inspired to "speak in tongues". (and if you've never seen this, turn to your local Funduhmentalist TV channel right now - given half an hour of screen time and 50 dollars in donations, even the most reticent Fundamentalist will make with the "Blamarafaleebadookatrilllaglibbfetrllliauuuhgildreieyway" when prodded.)

Now, thanks to the fact that I have been to the Exhibition with an Actual Scientist(tm), an Actual Scientist who has also from time to time explored taking of vitamin supplements to shore up the old health, I know that this hilarity isn't just willful delusion, it's good stagecraft. Niacin, as K pointed out, explicitly states on most labels that flushing and increased heart rate are common side effects. This would explain the red skin that our $cientologist friends attribute to heir dye and sunburns melting out of their bodies. Thanks K, for making their silliness even more silly, with Science!

K forgot to mention some of the other pleasures of the LRHLE. For instance, you learn how evil Psychology is. Oh, not with any evidence or convincing arguments, but with a helpful video that shows an Evil Bastard Psychologist destroying a Distraught Person Who Clearly Needs $scientology To Help Her:

EBP: YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS!

DPWCN$THH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

EBP: THERE'S NO POINT IN BEING SORRY, YOU AREN'T CAPABLE OF THINKING ON YOUR OWN.

DPW: (Sobbing histrionically) Please, I'm sorry, I'm trying!

EBP: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU HAVE TO DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU! EXACTLY!!!!!

Ha ha, those wacky psychologists, always with the abuse and ridicule and the destruction of innocent lives and the Glaben. Er, Brian Wilson aside, I don't know anyone who has experienced this kind of abuse at the hands of a psychologist, but if they did, I'd probably be the first to sign up. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get into a shouting match with your therapist? I'd bring it like a P.I.M.P, cause ain't no educated-ass beeyatch gonna step to me, naI'msaying G? My last therapist was a very gentle and relaxed man who liked listening and suggesting rather than yelling at me, and now that $cientologists have come into my life, I feel like I've been shafted in the therapy game.

They didn't do it this time around, but one of $cientology's big techniques is to obsess over the definition of words literally, as if the root definition of words somehow confers power beyond the intent of the word. For instance, they point out to you that Psyche means "Soul", and Logos means study or Knowledge. Then they smugly say "See, Psychology is the study of the soul! how can you study a soul? Clearly, Scientology, which means the study of knowing, is superior". To which I politely do not say "Clearly, you're a fucking idiot. Using Greek words to express scientific terminology is a tradition at least as old as scam artists posing as religious leaders. 'Dinosaur' Literally means 'Terrible Lizard', and 'Tyrannosaurus Rex' Literally means Tyrant-lizard king". Do you think that Old T-rex literally rose through the ranks of Dinosaur nobility until they chose him to lead them? You're an idiot!"

Again, this is what I did not say. Because I'm a brave person who, rather than confront the person head on with my opposition, chooses instead to anonymously shred them on a blog, where they can't defend themselves. Yep, gotta love my bravery. verily, fairness is not a right in the PDRR, let me tell you.

K also left out the other of LRHLE's crème de la crèmes: The tour of L Ron's life as a writer, and how he moved to Hollywood to become a big time screenwriter. (Where have we heard that one before... mirror, I'm looking at you!). Not only do they spend more time talking about the huge number of Books he's written, they also treat his writing as if he were William Shakespeare's illegitimate son, while still managing to avoid talking about the quality of those books.

The best is the enormous moving parts-riffic Dioramas based on his books, Battlefield Earth, and his "Decology", Mission Earth. These are literally the single funniest thing you will see anywhere in Hollywood, period. Huge clunky plastic statues representing key scenes from the books, with ***HILARIOUS*** music supposedly written by L Ron himself (with a little help from Chick Chorea), they look more like decadent piñatas than examples of the brilliance of human potential. Your intestines will rupture from holding the laughter in. They're so mind bogglingly pretentious while at the same time completely patronizing, I can't believe they don't literally turn all who view them to stone.

One thing I can say in all honesty however -the battlefield Earth part is still a million times better than the movie, a fact even the tour guides are forced to acknowledge.

You also get to watch a short film about L Ron's life as a screenwriter. No matter how they spin it, there's no way to ignore the fact that he just wasn't very good at it, and left LA after about 3 years. However, they do manage to put a positive spin on things. The film ends, optimistically, with the now official motto of This Space For Rent: "Hollywood Screenwriting... yet another area in which L Ron Hubbard was a true professional."

With that, I'll now let the last few days burn permanently to my brain's C: drive. I'll leave with this - "Awesomeness: Yet another area in which K is a true professional".

Now, all of you need to check this out whenever you're in LA, and I need to find out how to get to Dragon con. Ross out.

Word.

* I could swear that they used to say his dad was in the Navy, and now they don't mention anything of the sort. Am I on crack?

So how do I describe the last few days? In 1989, Morrissey and Michael Stipe spent a few days in London hanging out together. It was already fairly well known at the time that Michael and Morrissey were more than likely gay, and speculation, which Morrissey did little to quell, was that they had been lovers. When asked about it by NME however, Morrissey simply replied, rather discreetly, "We walked and we talked and dot dot dot".

As I mentioned last week, a close friend from out of town came to visit, and if I didn't say so explicitly, it was super awesome, and super fun. Incredible even. I've been debating how to talk about this on the blog. I haven't wanted to say too much, and destroy all pretensions of discretion, or say too little, and trivialize the experience. The fact is, as you all know, I've had a huge crush on a friend of This Space for Rent for some time, a crush which has only worsened as the object of my crush and I have become closer and closer friends. Finally getting to meet her for the first time was a truly singularly remarkable experience, one which has not only provided many bittersweet feelings, but has also single handedly restored my faith in the beauty of taking chances and being impulsive.

When she suggested coming out to visit and meet me for the first time, piggybacking her time with me atop time spent with a much closer friend of hers in San Diego, I am surprised to say that I was quite happy and actively encouraging. (And after some neurotic imprecision on my part, I was able to convince her that in fact I did not feel weird about it). I had until this point been rather reticent to suggest meeting in person - me being a guy, and having spent most of my life close to women, I'm keenly aware of how weird guys can be or at least how weird we can seem, and I don't ever want to be that guy, if that makes sense. I was surprised by the sudden opportunity to finally meet someone I already considered a dear friend, but for whom I had no voice, face, or mannerism to apply. However, to be honest, the moment the suggestion was made, I practically yelled "hellz yeah". The fact that she was on the verge of passing an important evaluation on which her education and career depended only gave a jubilant backdrop to the trip - the chance to meet this friend and crush and hopefully, be as much fun for her in person as I imagined I am in written word, was made better by this added happiness.

As of Wednesday evening, we not only had never come close to meeting, we had never even spoken on the phone. Our first ever phone conversation consisted of my attempting to give her directions from LAX to my office building via MTA, while getting sidetracked with silly digressions about the ghetto chest pound, to which she was nice enough to laugh. Other than just over a week's worth of instant messaging, our sole means of communicating for the last couple of months had been writing letters. (E-mail letters, but long letters nonetheless). After a long flight, followed by successful navigation of the poorly organized monstrosity that is the LA transit system, then making it to where I work and patiently waiting while I ended my boring workday, she and I finally shared our first physical conversation over food and drink much later than is normal for both activities. That conversation lasted until at least 3 in the morning, and continued intermittently throughout the night, morning, and afternoon, and amazingly, never so much seemed to end as much as just pause for a while.

Again, let me reiterate - this conversation seemed never ending and I'm still kind of annoyed that distance and circumstance is preventing it form continuing thusly for the time being.

What stands out now about the time she spent at Casa De La Ross, finally, in person, is the ease in which we assumed the now inarguably personal aspect of our friendship. Strangely unlike meeting someone for the first time, it was like being reunited with an old friend whom I simply hadn't been able to visit - more like catching up than actually getting to know each other. I don't want to sound like I'm hyping it up or applying mystical significance, but it was an immense pleasure, and a gorgeously deja Vu-esque feeling of knowing someone deeply, whom technically, you are just beginning to figure out. The process of learning about her beyond what we have written to each other was as much fun as the actual hanging out part of being around in person. Furthermore, physical familiarity is supposed to take much longer, and I have to admit that I'm quite overwhelmed that the opposite is in this case true.

So, to answer any questions, we walked and we talked and dot dot dot. And it was wonderful. You're not getting anything more than that out of me for the time being, except that my crush is extremely well deserved, and if anything is far worse now than anything it even remotely approached prior to the last 5 days. Even saying goodbye after an incredible time was strangely warming and dreamily comforting. I suppose we have to have little heartbreaks like this to remember to feel, and I for one can't wait to see if circumstances conspire to allow this particular heartbreak to happen again.

In the meantime, many glasses of wine will be consumed, and many toasts in absentia will be offered.

*********************

What about the actual events? We hung out for a total of 2 days, split between 5. It felt like a week, (A really great week) and I've hardly slept. Sadly, my love of drink, and tendency to consume rather rapidly during conversations was, ineptly, ignored and the drunkenness I had anticipated was not only postponed, it was avoided all together. I blame our constant chattering and the amazing rapport. Damn you chemistry! I never was able to beat her at Mario Kart, namely owing to the fact we were unable to play at all, but I hold out hope that our next meeting will be more providential for racing radness. We also laughed, a lot. And I've spent too little time looking into deep blue eyes.

There are going to be some very interesting collaborations in the next few weeks, and I suspect, a multitude of drunk dialings. But, you ask, what is the moral of the story?

1) More of this please.

2) Scientists are cool.

3) I cannot stress the coolness of escalators enough.

As if in direct response to my oft stated opinions on drinking, here's something interesting out of Maryland:

SEVERNA PARK, Md. (Wireless Flash) -- Do American teenagers need a learner's permit for beer? The 20-year-old intern on a Maryland-based radio show called "Beer Radio" thinks so.

Jennifer Wiley, who will hit the legal drinking age this September, says she thinks young Americans need to learn how to appreciate beer as a component to a meal, rather than a liquid to chug until you get drunk.

She thinks 21st birthday binges filled with shots of alcohol and bottle after bottle of beer would be a lot less common if American teens were allowed to sample beer legally with their parents during mealtimes.

My only response to this is Hell yes. Though Americans seem to think our rather prudish and wholly unrealistic attitude towards drinking is normal, we differ from nearly every single other nation not currently run by religious fundamentalists, including our neighbors Canada and Mexico, in that we for some stupid reason do not allow teens to drink. (I'm thinking 18 and up here folks, just like in England and Canada). What are we, drunk? Why can't people who may marry, serve in the military, and own a house, also not buy a beer from time to time, or frequently?

Of course, raising the drinking age did serve one purpose - it dramatically reduced the number of car wrecks teens had. On the other hand, maybe the solution to the car wreck problem isn't limiting the rights of young adults to engage in activites universally accepted in every other nation on earth, it's to perhaps examine why we're enslaved by the automobile.

At any rate, though unlikely to be considered by any lawmaking body, it's a fantastic idea - Let's see if we can turn this into a popular movement.

hey, maybe everyone ought to go and see how they think my main man Johnny H might feel about this.

The Australian Navy says security was not compromised when a refuelling vessel was daubed with graffiti in the port of Wellington.

-SNIP-

Anti-war protesters have admitted painting the 157-metre vessel - one of two RAN replenishment ships - with a slogan in fluorescent green criticising the Australian prime minister.

The group Ethical Foreign Policy is Possible, says it spray-painted the words "John Howard, US bootlicker" along the hull of the Success, which has since left for Napier.

Damn, that's gotta hurt. Somebody, go over and let John know you care.

But seriously, this isn't a good week for the sycophants who gleefully kissed Flightsuit Boy's ass, only to find out A) That he is full of shit, and B) that all he really cares about is his own immediate interests, allies and commitments be damned. First poor Neo-Franco-ite Aznar's precious PP loses it's Majority, and now Johnny H is humiliated. Sorry John, you live by sucking up to the Bushies, you d - well, you know the rest.

But seriously, go give him a hand.