This Space for Rent

I almost forgot...

... We're now nearly a week and a half into the final month of Fall, 2003, and I forgot to tell you that it's Hovember! This is the month in which, one hopes, you get to act like a Ho-nasty hobag, and get mad freaky with the ladies, or the fellas, whatever your personal inclinations may be. If you're in a relationship, be sure to be extra good-to-go for your signif. If, like myself, you're wretched and single, then by all means, ho it up*.

I know it's a cliche to mention, but I want to remind you to make sure to use protection. It's just too important to ignore. So, take care of yourself: always, I mean always, make sure that when you're on a date, you have a back out plan ready, just in case it sucks. You know, like having your friends call you halfway through with a fake emergency, so you can get out of jail free and save face.

Rules for fun Hovember to follow

*This only works if you're using the word Ho metaphorically. Actual Hoes might consider November to be "Thinkaboutchangingcareersvember".

!Reggae Sucks!

The major problem with discussing music (or any art form, for that matter) is that, aside from questions of historical order, artistic credit, or exact lyrics to a song, it's difficult to actually objectively discuss musical topics that are, I am loathe to admit, largely issues of personal taste. After all, it's perfectly true that what sounds like utter crap to one person might sound like the singing of angels to someone else, and as a result, it's not entirely possible to nail down precisely what good music, and by contrast bad music, exactly are.

Except instead of what I just wrote in that last sentence, I mean the exact opposite. Sure, it might not be possible to nail down exactly what good music is, but it sure as hell is possible to nail down what bad music is, and I think I'm going to spend the Month of November trying.

First up, factor one in determining whether or not music sucks:

1) Additional Context is required to fully "get" the music.

This could be anything from having to know the history of a band in order to find their latest crap song interesting (Such as George Harrison's horrifically bad song "When we was fab". Ewwww), but typically I'm talking Drugs and/or Humanitarian guilt*.

You know what I'm talking about... You see it whenever you express a distaste for a song or music genre, and an enthusiast for said genre insists either that A) you need to hear it while high, it's such a trip" or B) That so-and-so artist was "such a great person with such a wonderful philosophy on life", and that "Surely you have to like '[song about people just getting along]', surely you're not that cynical...". And blah blah blah. The second point is usually made in the same "I can't believe you young man, she loves you" voice your mom uses when you haven't called grandma for over 5 months.

Whenever this happens, you know immediately that you're talking about a bullshit genre of music, and your response, after "Shut up you smelly hippy", should be "I'm sorry, I don't like things that can't be appreciated on their own merits".

This usually doesn't actually change the opinion of the idiot trying to guilt you into liking crap, but the more these well meaning dunces hear that they're acting like pathetic robot hippies, the sooner they might wake up and stop. And what does it matter if you change their mind? They're not being shy about their opinions, so don't be shy about yours.

Which brings us to Reggae music, or as it should be more accurately known, "Reggae, pretty much the worst music ever recorded, after Benefit songs. "

- Reggae sucks.

- Hard.

- It could pull the ISS from orbit, and still have enough sucking force to clean every frat house in America 5 times over.

- It's aural patchouli.

- Did I mention that it's boring crap from a tiny island that rich white people only like to talk about because apparently, all those loveable brown people like to get high and talk about peace, even though it's a colony of England and has the highest crime rate of the Carribean, next to Haiti?

- And also, patchouli makes you smell like Bob Marely's ass. Try Showering next time.

Yes, I know that Bob Marley said a few nice things about people. I'm glad that he seems to have been a nice person. Jesus was nice too, but that doesn't mean I have to believe that he was the son of a magical sky god. And Bob's niceness doesn't make reggae not aural acid rain.

And yes, I know that it's "so nice when you're baked". That's not a ringing endorsement, it just means that you're an idiot. It's boring, vacuous, and worst of all, it makes rich potheads feel like they're really getting some culture, which for my money is a crime against art.

So to sum up, Reggae Sucks. And incidentally, So does Imagine" by John Lennon, which isn't reggae, but it sure does piss hippies off when you accurately describe it as repetitious and trite.

*I'm ignoring specific political guilt for now, and concentrating on what I will call "humanitarian guilt". That's just because I think that political suck is a seperate and much larger issue. More on this later. And yes, I may be splitting hairs.

Yeah, that's right, I'm James T Kirk! Take that, Prime Directive! Need I say more?