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9/23/2003

Tuesday, Sextember 23, or "You'd be surprised at how often I hear that..."




When I think about democracy, I often realize that there's something missing from the process. You know, that certain spark, that click, that certain somthing that makes the political process so much livelier than it has to be. Now, thanks to Columbia, I know that what's missing is some hot action:


P's dildo causes fracas

...

This might be a public service announcement, I just don't know. Can Fracas be prevented? IS it like the pox? Cupid's Measles?

...

A Colombian member of parliament has been suspended for five parliamentary sessions after taking out a rubber dildo during a debate.

Luis Eduardo Diaz used the dildo to illustrate his demand for poor people to be sterilised in Bogotá to control birth rates. But after realising that he had offended other MPs, Diaz lost his temper and left the dildo on the desk of the health minister.



First of all, Luis, Buddy, if you're going to bring something like that into work with you, the least you can do is get a decent, easy to clean Glass or Plastic model. It's better for you, it's better for your colleagues, and most importantly, it's better for the reproductive health of your constituents. Fa Reelz, some people just don't have any respect for their partners.

Furthermore, a dildo has nothing at all to do with fertility, Luis, Nothing. It's a device used for masturbation. I know that this might be confusing, but when you're bringing hilarious things into legislative sessions with you, it's important to understand the glossary of terms, y'know what I mean?

Then again, maybe A Spokesman for Parliament got it right when he said

"I guess we got so focused on the rubber penis, we didn't even pay attention to what he was saying. "

Truer words were never spoken.

9/19/2003

This Time, Bible Literalists Have Gone Too Far



I understand the appeal of finding a cheap and reliable way to get into space, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what the hell people are smoking. While this is an extremely cool idea, it seems about as practical as a platinum powered car:


SANTA FE, New Mexico -- No matter how you view it, a space elevator is a stretch not only of vision, but also of far-out materials and cutting-edge technology.


Putting in place a space elevator is complicated: Extend a super-strong ribbon from an Earth-situated platform at the equator out beyond geosynchronous orbit. Once in position, electric lifts clamped to the ribbon would truck spacecraft, science gear, as well as passenger-carrying modules into space.

.......snip..............

No longer merely theoretical, research and development dollars are actually being spent on fleshing out how best to build these sky high beasts of burden.


The Institute for Scientific Research (ISR), a recently formed independent organization staffed with a cadre of multidisciplinary scientists, engineers, mathematicians, and other specialists, is currently shouldering most of the work on the space elevator project. A core ISR business area is in energy and space.


Preliminary studies of the space elevator suggest that it would be capable of lifting 5-ton payloads every day to all Earth orbits, the Moon, Mars, Venus or the asteroids. Furthermore, it could be operational in 15 years.


Now projected to be on the order of a $6 billion investment, the first space elevator could quickly reduce lift costs to $100 per pound. That far outstrips todays pricey launch costs of roughly $10,000 to $40,000 per pound, depending upon destination and choice of rocket launch system.


Better yet is the offering from follow-on and larger elevators, built-to-order by making use of the initial one. Lift ticket expenses drop ever more sharply, permitting large-scale use of space, be it for commercial, military, scientific purposes, or even the mass exodus of space settlers.


This is another one of those "where to begin" kind of things. First of all, this is an ELEVATOR TO HEAVEN! Physics (Which I admittedly do not understand) aside, isn't there something inherently dumb about building a huge building into space? This article mentions the problems but breezes over them, as if space debris and terrorism are just quirky little problems to be laughed off as they're dealt with, rather than insurmountable obstacles that will likely doom something as hubristic as this.

Furthermore, do they remember sunday school? A childhood spent in Oklahoma has taught me never to underestimate what religious nutjobs are going to freak out about. If Oklahoma culture is any indication, anytime something in the modern world approaches something in the bible, people start getting all weird and freak out, and the next thing you know, everything is screwed.

People who know me know I'm not even slightly religious - I would never argue science should avoid something for spiritual reasons, and I'm convinced that the religious right is a pernicious influence on our civilization. It's more a question of effective PR. With all the public PR disasters science has endured over the last 12 years, I'm starting to think that these guys have commitees dreaming up ways to make religious conservatives freak out. Folks, please at least try to remember who your potential audiance is before you open your mouth.

And besides, if these people had done their homework, they'd know that there already is an elevator to heaven, and it works just fine without us.




Avast Mateys, or I'll Keelhaul the lot o' ya!



Ahoy Swabbies! Today, in case you live under a rock, be international Talk Like a Pirate Day. Alas me hearties, the official site be completely Farked, so all you will get when you click that link is a page apologizing for the site being down (Though there are links to other pirate pages), and a one way ticket straight down to Davy Jones' Locker.

In leiu of linguistic information about our seafaring friends, it might behoove you to take this opportunity to learn more about the magical world of pirates. For example, there are pirates who fight for freedom, pirates who have serious oedipal issues, Pirates who are really boring and just plain suck, and of course, pirates who secretly want to be Percy Shelly. Oh yeah, and there's this guy, but he really sucks now too.

Heck, with the right tools, even you can be a pirate (Though it doesn't always work)!

9/17/2003

Paleontology Kicks ass: The true meaning of Humpday





We normally don't get to be so wonderfully amused and informed at the same time. This is the kind of headline you pray for, NAY, the kind that you die to see.

LONDON (Reuters) - Scientists have discovered fossils of the world's oldest genitals -- belonging to 400 million-year-old insects -- in ancient rocks in Scotland.

.....snip.....

The penis of the ancient harvestmen insects, commonly known as a daddy-long-legs, was two-thirds the length of the body and remarkably similar to the modern-day species, New Scientist magazine said on Wednesday.


Where to begin, where to begin? First of all, this was a Daddy Longlegs. He had a John Thomas 2/3 the size of its body. It survived for millions of years. Oh the humanity! The giggle factor is punishing. And New Scientist broke this story? Is that a Flynt Publication? Am I the only one reminded of the original science porn magazine, and of being too young to be disappointed?

I just want the world to know how difficult it is not to say anything about staying power, rock hardness, or the fact that viagra was apparently unneccesary to achieve these results. I am, as always, the very model of restraint.

*Addendum: After posting this, I realized that a good alternate beginning could have been "The Religious Right/Creationist Crowd's heads are gonna Explode when they read this - Sex, Evolution, and radiocarbon dating, all in the same post. Now if only these insects could be proven to be gay..."

9/16/2003

Sporting Tuesday



I could go on and on about the problems with American soccer. The game play is poor because all the best US players are in Europe. And why wouldn't they be? In Europe, they're not treated like indentured servants. Here in America, the teams and coaches themselves aren't allowed to bid on players for their own city, instead having their players assigned to them from the larger pool of MLS "talent".

This monopoly control over player distribution and team organization by MLS officials guarantees absolutely no community loyalty to any of their so-called local teams. Players have no way to choose a team based on public demand, desire to play with certain teams, desire to play for a city, etc. And even if stupid MLS could generate some sort of community interest in their manufactured teams, they just fuck it up with what has to be the world's stupidest, market research sounding, corporate buzz generating BS sports team names ever, period.

Its even worse if you're a female soccer player. Not only are there limited professional options, but if you're lucky enough to get into one of the very few (try only) women's soccer leagues in the world, you have to endure Corporate Market Research Bullshit that would embarass MLS. Adding insult to injury, the WUSA teams have the most amateurishly designed websites in the whole of sport. One has to wonder why anyone would get excited about a team called the "Cyber Rays"? Particularly in light of the recent unpleasantness, you know, with the stock market and all those layoffs. Nothing like a $45.00 soccer ticket to make up for the fact that your 401K is now worth 3 cents. But I digress. It sounds to me like the WUSA consulted Lifetime, rather than fucking real soccer fans, when they put this crap together.

Even so, this is pretty disappointing.

Women's Soccer League Suspends Operations
Women's United Soccer Association Suspends Operations Five Days Before the Women's World Cup

The Women's United Soccer Association shut down operations five days before the Women's World Cup, saying it didn't have enough money to stay in business for a fourth season.

The decision was made by the league's board of governors Monday at a meeting in New York. The Atlanta-based league planned an announcement later in the day, spokesman Dan Courtemanche said.

....snip.....

The eight-team league, featuring the best female soccer players in the world, had franchises in: Boston, Atlanta, San Diego, Washington, New York, San Jose, North Carolina and Philadelphia. The Washington Freedom won the title last month.

Foudy said she hoped publicity surrounding the Women's World Cup would help generate support that could revive the WUSA. Fifty-six WUSA players are to compete in the World Cup.

"The positive impact our sport has had on youth players, both boys and girls, and their perception of women and athletics, has been inspiring to experience firsthand," she said.


In America, soccer is largely seen as a filler sport, something you do when you're a little kid, before you realize what queers those soccer boys are and start playing football like a good Christian American should. Ironically, what is regarded in most of the world as the epitome of macho sporting is, in the US, considered Girl's sport. Which is fine with me, since US women's soccer kicks ass.

The point is, I come not to praise the WUSA, but to bury it. It was doomed from the start, and it was more an embarassment than a reason to watch soccer on TV. It's sad that there is no longer a professional outlet for the incredible professionalism and amazing skill of Women's soccer, but at least this hang dog bastard child of american sports corporate culture has been put down. Hopefully, this won't be the last time a women's soccer league exists, and hopefully, the next time they try this, they'll get it right.

And by the way, US women's soccer kicks ass, so try to catch the upcoming games, if you can


9/15/2003

More Super Sexed-Up Monday,!



Recently, me and the rest of my Krew decided to that the fall of 2003 is going to be an epic time of fun and mischief making, the kind of thing memorialized in the annals of history, or at least in bland pop songs.

To commemorate this soon to be indisputable fact, we have imperiously chosen to chuck the traditional, boring names for the fall months, and replace them with smoover, racier and more proactivly encouraging names. They are as follows:

*September: From this moment onward, we shall refer to it as "Sextember", or if you're more impatient, as "Slutember". To celebrate Sextember, you are encouraged to think about sex as often as possible, contemplating it's mystery, and also, how awesome it is.

*October: For the Eligible Straight Fellas and their Lesbian sisters in Arms, it shall henceforth be known as "Foxtober". For the Fly Ladies and the Hunky gay guys, tryout "Cocktober". For this solemn season, celebrate by rocking the ladies or the fellas Old Skool, with serious enthusiasm.

*November: It shall forvermore be called "Hovember". Consider it both a tribute and a mission statement. During thanksgiving, give thanks to whomever is helping you to ho it up. Gobble Gobble.

The Most Awesome and Homoerotic Monday Ever



Normally, I don't eat meat, but if I had to cook some all american beefsteak, or even just gnaw on some prime bone, I would definitely want to slather my meat with the world's most unintentionally hilariously named BBQ Sauce. Cover liberally, cook, and slobber all over it until you're completely sated. I would probably insert it passionately into my mouth. MM mmm mm.

I fully expect every one of my friends to buy this for me constantly for next few months.

In a slightly unrelated note, my former home proves once again why it leads the nation in not having a damn clue how shit looks to the rest of the country.

VIAGRA, OK. -- It's just two letters, but it makes for a dramatic name change.

Yes, the town of Agra is now "Viagra" Oklahoma.

You got it, the same name as the prescription drug used to treat impotency.


....snip....

City leaders erected the sign early Friday morning.

"Hopefully, it will have a positive effect on the town," said Mayor Ray Troxtell, who added it wasn't a hard decision to make.

The city council voted unanimously for the name change.

Longtime resident David Watkins said it's an appropriate change: "Yes, people are horny here, they really are," he said laughing.


I am happy to verify that Oklahoma is in fact one of the horniest places on earth. Unfortunately, it's also one of the most conservative places on earth, leading to some sadly predictable side effects.

Hilariously, Oklahoma has to be one of the most homophobic place in America, yet we chose the gayest of All Broadway songs for our state anthem. If only the state's schools weren't so depressingly underfunded, we might have been raised with a passing understanding of Irony.

The good news, of course: That it isn't Texas.

9/10/2003

Godwin's Law



Does anyone else ever wonder if the people who lived in 430 BC Athens ever got tired of hearing about the Persian Wars? Because I've had it up to here with endless WWII metaphors

The 6 Million Dollar Me



Everyone who knows me knows that I have a very special place in my heart for Cyborgs. No, not the crappy and evasively dishonest Terminator variety cyborg, which is basically just a Killer Robot with human skin on the outside. No, I'm talking about the Real McCoy - Cyborgs that used to be just regular guys/gals but who now have robotic replacements for one or more of their vital organs and limbs.

Swear to god, I would give anything for robot teeth, awesome jumping legs and robot bones, eyes that can fire off laser beams when trouble pops up, and coolest of all, fingers and arms with robot dexterity and interchangebale tools.

I've spent most of my life being disappointed with the lack of real cyborgs in the world, and until this morning, I had resigned myself to a cybernetic enhancement free life. Luckily, British, Swedish, and American Mad Scientists have been on the job. All I need do is wait a few more years. Then I simply arrange some sort of horrible accident, one which leaves my brains, genitals, and memory in tact, and wait for the scientists to make with the machine parts.

When this finally happens, I'll be the first cyborg with body image problems. Anyone out there know how to become a test pilot?


9/02/2003

The Eligible "Me"



Everyone needs a title. Something that let's the people know what you're about and what you can do for them. Like "Doctor", "Minister", "Professor", "El Presidente". Now that I've been charitably donated back into the population of single people, I realize I too need something like a title to represent me. In Honor of my newly single status, I wish to be addressed from now on as The Eligible Ross A Lincoln. So ladies, lock up your wardrob- I mean Daughters! Daughters!

Actually, if you could let me have a crack at both, I'd be pretty content*.

Anyway, feel free to craft your own title.

*recipients agree to ignore the fact that this is mostly post-breakup bravado, and agree to promote the myth that I am a suave playboy. Word ladies. Word.


9/01/2003

!Table Two!





This weekend, I finally blundered into the perfect philosophy by which to live my life - It shall henceforth be summed up with the words "Table Two!!!" This is going to take a while to explain, so let's just begin at the start.

I went to my friends' wedding, and before I tell the epic tale, let me offer my heartfelt congratulations. It's always an honor to see two people dearly in love declare it, and even more so when it's very good friends doing it. Kirk and Jen clearly love each other completely, and I hope they last forever. Also, in spite of everything I'm about to say, your wedding kicked ass. Completely and thoroughly. I hope that part 2 will make that clear.

Soooo...

Part One

The Bride was sufficiently blushing, the setting was serene in that Church-meets-Ikea way that all weddings are, and the poodles interrupting the ceremony were right on WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT THE HELL ARE POODLES DOING ANYWHERE NEAR A WEDDING? Halfway through the ceremony, these black and white poodles suddenly ran in barking. They just busted in, and a very embarrassed owner corralled them out the back. And dammit, she should have been embarrassed. As we learned this summer from Hollywood "Blockbuster" Event films, Poodles are stupid dogs who make crappy villains and even crappier pets.

You should know that it was a Christian wedding. This would normally be a sign of bad tidings - As I learned from a lifetime of Oklahoma weddings, Christian Weddings of the protestant variety suck for their distinct lack of liquor, and the corresponding lack of swearing and dancing. (and what's a wedding without a drunkenly warbled "You're the fuuuuuckin' best guys, I loourve you"?)

Friends, let me be frank. A wedding without alcohol is like sex without, um, alcohol (Thanks Erica). Rather than the celebration it's supposed to be, a dry wedding feels more like a funeral for a happy sex life. And worse, it's a scientific fact that a room full of near strangers will never, ever mingle with each other, much less dance, hit on each other, and fall down a lot, without the potion to keep th' party in motion. IE Alcohol.

You know, every single family seems to have this sad "We're so much better than those people over there" attitude that makes them insufferable enough in normal circumstances. But during something that ought to be fun? And also, Arrogantly religious? Arrogantly Religious AND socially uptight. WHile we're supposed to remain SOBER? I could understand this if the purpose of a wedding was to punish one's friends and family before abandoning them forever, presumably stealing all their stuff. But unless you can provide a complete breakdown of crimes and offensies (Mine were helpfully recorded on the wedding video, in case you happen to know the Bride and Groom), the wedding better get some liquor stat!

I for one am making it my mission to point out to all these crazy people that Jesus wasn't drinking Kool-Aid at the weddings he went to (unless by "wine" the bible writers meant "complaining"). I think actually creating Wine out of thin air is a pretty ringing fucking endorsment from on High of getting one's fade on. Praise be.

My fear of boredom and polite conversation was hanging in the air, or maybe it was the heat since my genius friends decided to get married outside in the Middle of August, AKA the hottest month ever! Now I have lovely sweat stains to go with the Suit I wore. Class-eee. Luckily, I think the minister sensed my fears, because he made damn sure to spice things up like Indian Buffet.

MINISTER: "Marriage is the ultimate expression of Godless love"

FRIENDS OF JESUS: "Audible Gasp"

MINISTER: "Oh Fuck"

That's right, he said godLESS love. Really? Marriage is right up there with key parties and "Ho-in' it"? "Dayum", thought I, "I gotta get me some of that, pronto!" But it gets better.

MINISTER: "I think god is like a big Jewish Grandmother"

FOJs: "even more audible gasp"

JEWS PRESENT AT THIS WEDDING: "Did someone actually say Jewish?"

Sure, after his accidental advocation of living in sin, he nervously "corrected" himself with a hearty 'god-LY' - after all, the parents paid for a Christian wedding, and by gum he was honor bound to make with the Christ. But I knew the truth - later on that night, as our eyes met I flashed him the old horns of the goat, and I knew we were brothers in worship of lord Baal, the God of Babylon. Take that Judeo-Christian Cultural tradition!

Speaking of, there were a large number of people at this wedding who related much more to the Judeo part of the J/C equation, (including the Bride's Father) which made the Christianity of the wedding kind of funny, I mean scary, I mean annoying, I mean guilt inducing, no I mean annoying. Um, Fun-noying?

I wonder if "Judeo" weddings have as much evangelizing as the Jesus kind? Like it's all "Let us rejoice in the fact that that Jesus was a good Jewish boy who most certainly was not the son of God since that kind of thing is clearly not monotheism, which we invented so we should damn well be able to know it when we see it... Oh Snap!"

Anyway, This wedding, like every single goddamned wedding I have ever been to, failed to add the "If anyone present today has any reason why these two may not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace" part of the ceremony. What the hell people? Why else am I coming to your stupi- I mean, beautiful ceremony, if I can't fight the urge to yell out "Because I blew the groom last night!!!!". Seriously, you'd think these people were more interested in their needs. What about me?

So stampeding poodles and forsworn allegiance to Satan aside, the Ceremony went off without a hitch. Even more fortunately, once we got into the recption area and I saw the Bar, I knew that my fears of boredom and sobriety were unfounded. Sure, it was a christian wedding, but this is still California. Even Tammy Faye Baker became a total fag hag when she moved out here, so there isn't any reason why the faithful can't enjoy a little extra helping of the blood of christ to celebrate the new sexual legality of the happy couple. Besides, apostates like me don't have any issues with drinking at a wedding. Sadly, this isn't neccesarily better.

to Be continued


This is the site by which I plan to lay out in detail my complete philosophy for having a constant fun time, and also, how this will almost certainly result in my complete and utter humiliation. Also, there will be tons of "Word", and as much "Dawg" as I can muster. It is unlikely that anyone will read this. It is also unlikely that my wish to become mayor of Mars will come true. I haven't decided whether or not to be sad about this.

While I think of something clever to write about, you might find it userful to check these fine places out:

www.thetalentshow.org
www.allmusic.com

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