This Space for Rent

My Subjects! Please make a note in your records that the Imperial Residence has changed. From now on, you may locate the PDRR at This Space For Rent.
Please make a note. Also, bear in mind that the new residence is a work in progress. it will be come more staely as the construction crew gets their shit together. Meaning, as soon as I GMST.

Thank you. Ross out.

Like a gentle, helpful breeze, temperate and without any malice, G, of G's Spot has cracked the secret of cover songs, and in the process, managed to resurrect one of my favorite old timey pastimes, letting stupid pothead bands have it full throttle. Regarding the ass that is Nebraska's 311, she says, Poignantly:

Anywho, since I'm up, let me rant about something that's been bugging me like a repeated sharp jab in the eye. Someone please explain 311 to me. Why do they suck so much? Is it the stupid amber song? Is it the fucking joke of "reggae/funk/alternative/pop/rock/rap/metal" crap that they spout? Oh, no. Sure, they suck because of these reasons, but they didn't hit the earbleed level of suck until they 1) redid the Cure's Lovesong 2) with a bad imitation of a trippingly happy Robert Smith (this isn't Love Cats, people!) 3) sold it to the media moguls of "let's create a romantic movie with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler AGAIN" and last but not least 4) convinced indiscriminate (aka deaf) radio listeners to request it because they just love that song. ARGH.

That's where 311 shows their suckage. They try to mold their pothead dippiness into the depressing earnestness of Smith's style, copying every inflection of the original vocals, but to a melting waxy bop that is full frontal 311 bad.

Post Limp Bizkit, in the era of POD and all that other shit, it's easy to forget that once upon a time shitty, untalented pothead white boys with metal roots pretending to be into hip hop or worse, reggae didn't have many people to look up to. It was due to the work of such pioneering fucktards as 311 that the the suffering we must endure today was made possible. Though I'm appaled at their horrid, horrid cover of an otherwise great song, I'm glad they're back to remind me of the hate I so long ago reassigned to shit like the Strokes and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Sure, the Stokes and the BRMC pussies are complete fakers, but at least they're faking somewhat good music. It's difficult to muster up true hatred for music that's only blindingly generic rather than truly wretched. I can only hate them because of their insufferable "cool" attitudes and the fact that their fans don't realize they've been had. 311 reminds me that suck isn't just a pose, it's a way of life and for that, I'm glad they're back. That said, I will beat them when I meet them. Nobody fucks with My Cure and gets away with it.

So anyway, don't forget to check it peeps. Of course, G outs herself as a Tori fan at the very end, but then, I like Morrissey, so who am I to judge? Plus, I've seen Tori Amos twice, once with Rufus, so who am I REALLY to talk.

Word. Ross out.


PS: Yo, the Strokes and BRMC, don't think I've forgotten how lame you are. I just have new perspective. I still won't be liking you anytime soon.

The best comment of the day comes in reference to that lame "you complete me" line from Jerry McGuire, possibly the all time dumbest most cringe inducing crap line in the history of cinema:

K: I can't fucking hear that line without imagining it coming from a deaf gimpy special olympics athlete
K: (and yes I know that's crass)
K: But I hear THAT voice

In a move sure to send ripples through the 14 year old boy and 35 year old maxim reading masturbator demographic, Computer Lip Sync service worker and Botox Spokeswoman Kyle Minogue is reportedly marrying her committed boy toy and Eye Candy, some French dude no one has ever heard of except for a bunch of Lame homo art movies fans. Stupid Queers the world over will now have the privilege of knowing they've totally robbed us of a totally sweet piece of ass.

In other news, I'm hitting this beer bong later tonight, and seeing if I can scare up some 'tang. That one girl over there totally wants you dood. PEACE dawgs!

Now admittedly, I'm not the most on-the-ball person in the world when it comes to taking care of the things I've been trying to finish. I'm horrible about finishing creative projects (this year is diffs though, I swear!), I put off important financial things slightly too long, and I am really, really bad about sending CD covers to people for whom I've made awesome Mix CDs. Until today, I assumed this is why I don't work for NASA.

Then I find information like this. Let's face it, the headline should have said something closer to "WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK NASA??? HANDLE YOUR SHIT ALREADY!!!!

Asteroid Scare Prompts NASA to Formalize Response

An asteroid flew past Earth last week so close that it nearly entered an orbital halo where weather satellites roam. Scientists spotted it March 15 and watched it zoom by just three days later. It posed no threat, but there are hundreds of thousands more where that one came from.

-snip_

An unprecedented asteroid scare in January had astronomers worried for a few hours over a rock that had a 1-in-4 chance of hitting Earth during the next few days. At the time, some of the scientists were unsure who should be notified. The event has prompted NASA (news - web sites) to set up a formal process for notifying top officials in the future of any impending impacts, SPACE.com has learned.

Let. Me. Get. This. Straight. We have only one Government funded group of people staring at the sky and in 40 years they've never formalized the process for dealing with AWESOME KILLER SPACE ROCKS????? I can't work overtime without notifying at least three people, and I work for a startup website. Seriously, they want me to take calmly the fact that they didn't have this shit in place like, before? NASA, you must listen to me: I don't ever, ever, want to hear this from you again. Lie to me if you have to but from now on I want you at least looking like you're thinking about this stuff.

Ross out.

ADDENDUM: For the record, I am of course aware of the difficulties of plotting the trajectory of a moving object in the middle of the vastness of space, and then sending another object to hit it. I'm also really annoyed with the stupid media's tendency to report these things as if the end of the world is nigh.

That said, Didn't anyone read this? It came perilously close to our precious communication satelites! That's our nightly television on the line here people! I swear to god, losing my ability to watch BBC America and L&O reruns ad infinitum due to cosmic evil is something I just can't handle. I'd rather die than live in such a horrible world.

Good friend Ruth Brown, author of the amazing John Howard blog, finally has a blog for her own damnself, The Line of Contempt. Go check it out and tell her This Space For Rent Sentcha!

Also, Remember that she is a PDRR cabinet member. Show her the neccesary deference and fealty.

Apparently, there are a couple of guys up in King's Canyon claiming to be in grave mortal peril. Who knows what, exactly is really happening, but their version of things is certainly interesting. I don't know what they're playing at, but this is fucking incredible. Check it out at your own risk.

Or at least, that's what the headline should have been.

One year ago today (give or take a few hours or so) the non award-winning, non critically acclaimed, but somehow still completely awesome radio show I've been hosting, Theme Party, was born. Since then, I've been happy that it's mostly brought the sheer awesome might - We've talked about video games, making out, death, "first times", the birthdays of our friends, Hollywood, fighting, Montages, kissing, Ross Lincoln's amazing ego, and of course, Robots and Cyborgs and Pirates. And we've been fortunate to play a ton of kick ass music.

Tonight from 9 PM to 11 PM PST, me and my homies will be celebrating the beginning of our second year on the radio, and if you're a regular visitor to the site but you haven't listened, I promise you will regret joining us. IN advance, I want to let you know that you're all very pretty, smart, and talented. And that one person who dumped you is an asshole.

You can feel free to bring your own wine 'n spirits, and join in the conversation by IMing us using Yahoo ID thethemeparty, or our AOL IM Themepartyradio. For more information, hit our official site at www.ostrichink.com/themeparty.html and feel the knowledge increasing within seconds.

Additionally, free of charge, I'm going to be having an extra special all powerful Bonus Saturday ThemeParty, tomorrow from noon to 3 PM, substituting for the ever Generous Kill radio Clone hour. It will, simply put, rock you from here to Dallas and back. I promise!

I know I plug this show a lot, and I want to sincerely thank everyone who has been nice enough to listen, and I want to welcome to all newcomers. If you live in California, we know for a fact that you don't even think about leaving the house until 11, so what better waycould you get ready to go out than by kicking it with me and my krew? To everyone else, you know how much cheaper it is to bring the party back to your crib. Me and my friends will provide the entertainment and music, you just bring the drinks, and if you don't mind, some cuties.

Thanks for indulging my need to self promote. and remember, no matter what you do, never be ashamed to be enthusiastic.

Word

Actually, I'm thinking more "In Vino Veritas", which literally means "Drink and say a bunch of shit you wish you'd kept to yourself, even though it's totally true n shit. Damn". Or something to that effect. Anyway, It's almost 2 AM and I"m putting off the precious sleep I need because I need to make a certain point perfectly clear:

AMY AND MIKEY ARE TOTALLY GETTING IT ON.

I say this not only because it's true, but because they totally need to understand how uncool, in a completely cool way, it is to try to embarrass me when I'm very intoxicated and I find almost anything funny.

Here's the sitch: After dinner at The Yukon Mining Co, a delightful diner in West Hollywood with Frontier California circa 1850 theme, which means it's the all time gayest version of the 1850s ever, we went to the Roost for le drinks, which of course were awesome. There was a birthday party being held there, and someone was selecting some fucking amazing music. Her name was Laura. She was cute in a "I wouldn't ever date her but it's nice to be flirted with kind of way". Did I mention she totally drunkenly flirted with me? Well, she did and it was kind of funny. I'm glad I'm cute when I"m drunk, or at least, I'm glad that I've been able to stay non haggard, and non scary, so far.

My Compadres, Amy, Mikey, and Kiss My Fist thought this was so funny, they decided that my serious pleas of "I don't really want to talk to this girl, honest" didn't matter. Amy and KMF, against my wishes, decided to give this girl a message, written by them, with my phone number, that said "I.O.U. one roll in the hay, Ross".

Of course, I didn't authorize this message, and I was forced to go over to the girl and apologize for the hilarity, I mean, rudeness of my friends. The fact that I was laughing almost to tears as I apologized, and that everyone I was with was laughing as well meant little -I was going to do the right thing, which was drink a lot and laugh.

I wasn't all bad - I called a good friend and left them a message with almost all of "Turn Back Time" by Cher. Which obviously means I'm a helluva major catch. Seriously, awesome catch. Balee Dat. Anyway, my friends completely, if hilariously, embarassed me, so they deserve my humiliation returned onto them, Meanwhile, I've going to have some sleep.

And oh yeah: AMY AND MIKEY ARE TOTALLY GETTING IT ON

Now Hear This: Within the next week, there will be some *Major Changes* all up in this hellafied crizzib. What sort of changes you ask? Let's just say that the emperor is moving into some posh new digs just as soon as the Imperial Architects finish their laborious duties. It's going to Rock and shock the nation, I can promise you that.

In the meantime, I am here to announce the final selection of the second member of my Imperial Cabinet - I present to you The Minister of Doy, Undersecretary of Rocking Out, Australia's Ruth Brown.

She will provide extra mockery and ridicule to stupid, obvious stuff, and generally, point out to people far too lame to know otherwise when they're being dumb. She will also function as a much needed diplomatic attache between the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Ross, and the Forces of Rock, relations between the two great kingdoms having been strained as of late.

Granted, she currently has her own realm to rule according to her whims, but we're hoping she'll show up for official government pronouncements when she is able. In the meantime, hail your new cabinet member, and hail the PDRR. Fa Reelz.

You've been waiting for this, I can just tell. So Funny. best. Quiz. Ever.

It seems funny now, but once upon a time, I really liked Colin Powell. His autobiography changed the way I thought about the military, upward mobility in America, and the value and duty of civic participation. He also had a few choice things to say about people who used priviledge to escape their duties and responsibilities, but still reaped the rewards of being a citizen. I'm never, ever going to support the republican party unless I end up in an alternate iniverse where they aren't consistently on the wrong side of evry gosh darned issue, but until the Bush Adminisitration came along and he let them use him as a smokescreen for their ever increasing pigheaded wrongness, I always thought of Colin as one of the good ones. Too bad he's just another whore shilling for the official, corporate class warrior party line:

New Delhi -- Secretary of State Colin Powell, encountering the other side of a tempestuous debate in the United States, sought to assure Indians that the Bush administration would not try to halt the outsourcing of high-technology jobs to their country.

In a round of conversations with Indian leaders and college students on Tuesday, Powell found that the issue of the transfer of American jobs to India is as emotional in India as in the United States.

But whereas American politicians have deplored the loss of such jobs, it is clear that the anxiety in India focuses on threats by some in Congress to try to stop the transfer by legislation.

"Do you support outsourcing or are you against it?" a questioner asked Powell...

"Outsourcing is a natural effect of the global economic system and the rise of the Internet..." Powell said. "You're not going to eliminate outsourcing. But at the same time, when you outsource jobs, it becomes a political issue in anybody's country."

Powell emphasized that one purpose of his trip is to explain to India that because outsourcing has created a political problem in the United States, India could help by lowering its trade barriers.

Powell ... was quick to add that the Bush administration would work to train people for new jobs.

The White House endorsed Powell's comments.

"The secretary made clear in his remarks that we are concerned when Americans lose jobs, and we are focused on creating jobs for American workers, and the best way to do that is to open markets around the world, including in India," said Claire Buchan, a spokeswoman for the White House. "He also talked about the importance of training workers for the opportunities of the future."

For the record, I'm glad to see that there's beginning to be an acknowledgement that the outsourcing issue is in fact a two way street. Just as we're scared to our bones of losing our good jobs (and in a so called jobless recovery like the one we're in, it's REALLY scary), the Indians lucky enough to have the jobs we're screwing our workers over to give to them are equally scared that things are going to go badly for them, should American voters start getting really angry about the fact that jobs are leaving for India in droves.

Of course, the fact that committed corporatists are the ones in charge of addressing the problem are no help. That hilarious "retraining" canard they like to trot out would make me laugh if it weren't for the fact that it is effectively a meaningless fucking platitude. Retrain for what, exactly? This isn't like the 1800's. During the industrial revolution, new technology literally rendered ages -old professions utterly obsolete, and completely redefined the meaning of work and earning a living within a generation. The changes were astoundingly revolutionary, and led directly to the spread of capitalism, the end of feudalism, the invention of the majority of the world's modern economic theories, and most importantly in my book, to the need for and rise of the labor movement.

That isn't what is happening today. The skills American high tech or manufacturing workers have to offer are most certainly not suddenly obsolete and no longer in demand, owing to some fantastic new technology that renders computer programming, tech support, customer support, and parts assembly obsolete. If anything, the skills needed to provide these services are extremely highly prized, today more than ever. What's more, for people who aren't going to be doctors, lawyers, corporate management fucktards, politicians, extremely successful artists who no longer need a day job or freelance work to support themselves, rock stars, or lottery winners, these jobs represent the crème de le crème of potential earnings options for the average educated Joe. Unless our corporate masters are willing to pay to retrain everyone to be a doctor or lawyer, corporate management fucktard, or what have you, there just ain't anyplace else for our highly skilled workers to go.

Furthermore, the idea of retraining our workers when their skills are in fact in fucking high demand is an insult not only to our intelligence, but to the hard work people put in learning the skills necessary to gain these jobs. Because the truth is, the reason these jobs are leaving has nothing at all to do with the genius of capitalism, and everything to do with the class war Conservatives like to claim is being waged against them.

You see, in India, they have this little thing called "being a third world nation". That not only means infrastructure is horrendous, cost of living is a punch line compared to American expenses, and the pay required to make workers happy is correspondingly bafflingly low - it also means that the worker protections, expectation of upward mobility, decent living conditions, and rights we in the so called civilized world have come to expect, rightfully so, as our birthright, don't fucking exist, at least, not in any way that requires corporations to actually notice them.

The result of course is that our so called Captains of Industry are suddenly allowed to pay their new employees considerably less than it would cost to pay the same workers here in the USA (Because when you're not forced to pay 2000 a month rent for an efficiency in the only city left that still has decent job prospects, it kind of removes the idea that your rent ought to at least pretend to cover that rent). It also means that certain other expenses, like say, health care, workplace safety standards, employee morale, protecting the rights of your workers according to federal laws, etc, are either dramatically reduced, or removed outright from the equation.

What's most sinister about this however is that the workers being employed at these dramatically reduced prices aren't Henry Ford's famous worker-consumers. they're producing consumer good for US to buy here in the US. So, they're not actually building a stable consumer base in their own country, which means their money isn't distributed, thus, no rising middle class and meanwhile, our jobs leave which means the consumers propping up the jobs in India increasingly can't support those jobs with their purchasing. It is literally like a snake eating its own tail.

You see, the Indians have just as much of a right to hope for and expect prosperity as we do, and we should be doing everything we can to make sure that happens. But not like this. We're not seeing the proverbial rising tide lifting all boats, we're seeing just a bunch of raw materials being shifted around, until a convenient and profitable pattern is found. Unfortunately, the Indian workers, and our own workers, and consumers and workers worldwide are those raw materials, and we're getting screwed.

Meanwhile, no one is talking about real solutions, and we're being encouraged to think of Indian workers as our competition, rather than our friends and allies. That's the final insult. We need to realize that national governments and international laws are being circumvented by corporations taking advantage of the fact that globalization is strictly economic and not legal or political. As long as there is no corresponding authority system to go along with the international economic system, we're effectively sentencing our own prosperity to death, and securing a stillbirth for the nascent prosperity in the developing world.

Instead, we need to recognize that in spite of what corporate thugs might say, they aren't patriots spreading the US culture across the world - like all big businesses, they're in it for themselves, which is as it should be. No one should be so naive as to fail to recognize the benefits of capitalism, at least, in a mixed economic model. Just as political self determination is one half of a prosperous and just society, so too is economic self determination. However, we have severe limits on what we can and can't do politically and socially, and the same ought to be true for how we conduct business. After all, certain things are simply too important to be left to the whims of capricious economic fate. We have to realize that it's our elected governments, chosen by us, and not non elected business leaders, who should have more say so in how our futures are determined. therefore, Governments the world over should be lining up together, to politely and productively counter the imbalance caused by amoral and apolitical business entities.

I've suggested once before that what we need is a Geneva Convention of Commerce and Labor, and I stand by that. We need an international agreement to make sure that workers, consumers, and political freedoms are put ahead of the corporate bottom line, and this agreement needs to come with teeth. We have to make the businesses of the world realize that they are merely products of the consumer, for the consumer, in the same way our political forebearers realized that governemtns are products of the people, and for the people - Until then, we're faced with the possibility of remaking the entire world as an macrocosm of the 1800s. Here's hoping we wake up in time.

Found this via Tristero, and it needs little comment:

Take that, Wolf

Former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Richard Holbrooke appeared on CNN yesterday but apparently didn't feel like playing the game of the day with Wolf Blitzer. The pundits and politicians who have hyped the "Will Kerry name the leaders?" story these last several days have ignored the substance. But Holbrooke stated it clearly: What John Kerry said about world opinion of the U.S. is very much, sadly, true. It's a shame most of the media, taking the GOP's lead, allowed the story to devolve into a game to see if Kerry would name names. As Holbrooke suggests: Get a passport and a flight to almost anywhere and ask around. Or check the Pew poll on world opinion released Tuesday.

Here's a partial transcript of Holbrooke on CNN:
"BLITZER: Ambassador Holbrooke, thanks very much for joining us. A little revised version of what John Kerry said. He said, "I've met more leaders who can't go out and say it all publicly, but boy, they look at you and say, you got to win. This you got to beat this guy, we need a new policy, things like that." So there is enormous energy out there. The president today said, if he makes an accusation, he has a responsibility to back it up. What do you say?

RICHARD HOLBROOKE, FRM. U.S. AMB. TO U.N.: John Kerry committed an unpardonable crime in Washington: he spoketh the truth. What he said is self-evidently true. There's a new poll out today by the Pew Institute, a worldwide pool, which shows massive and growing anti-Americanism around the world. Now American voters need to make up their own mind who they prefer, George W. Bush or John Kerry. But they also ought to know this administration is isolating us in the world, weakening us. Recent events in Spain, this election are another example.

John Kerry said something everybody knows is true. And, Wolf, you know it's true. And why don't I say just one other thing. Why don't you, instead of staging a silly he said/he said between the White House, which is throwing all this mud at John Kerry after he said something true. Why don't you poll your foreign correspondents on CNN. And ask them who the population and leaderships in the world would prefer to see elected? Very simple."

Oh Snap, that's some heavy handed bitch slapping there Richard. And Wolf deserves it. He's deserved it since the impeachment, but especially now. Damn that feels good. Keep it coming guys, keep it coming.

This election is going to be fun, I can already tell.

I knew I should have said something about the L Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition related hilarity! Luckily, K is on the ball, proving once again why she is the Grand Vizier of the PDRR, and why I am so completely crushed.

In my now many years of Sunny Los Angeles Living, I've been to the LRH Life Exhibition many times - it was one of the first things I did, the very first time I came to visit Los Angeles, and my fellow Oklahomies and I make a point of taking all newcomers to see it whenever possible. Briefly, the LRH Life Exhibition is an ostentatiously hagiographic depiction of L Ron Hubbard's life, without context, cited sources, or laugh track, helpfully enhanced by cheesy slide shows, video presentations, and of course, a free demonstration of some of $cientology's more ridiculous principles and inventions. It utterly defies belief that anyone could walk through this sham Passion Play and come out convinced of anything other than the fact that L Ron clearly padded his resume under a mountain of pure Montana Bullshit, yet I still see people actually suckered into buying the books from time to time. Luckily, no such conversion is possible with me, since I happen to find even the most reasonable faiths to be made of Swiss cheese.

You're taken through a large scale Diorama of the various stages of L Ron Hubbard's life, and though I am damn sure they've changed certain things about the story from time to time*, the main narrative, namely that LRH was clearly a superior genius who, from his earliest days was searching for The Answer(tm), and while supporting himself as a shitty, I mean, Pulp writer, managed to apply Science(tm) to his quest, until he found The Answer(tm), remains unchanged. If you're the kind of person who knows nothing about US history, the non scientology view of L Ron, or psychology, then I could see you being somewhat intrigued by this hokum, but for the rest of us, it's the unintentional comedy smash of the season.

As I said, I've been there many times and it's always great. However, whenever it gets to the part about the $cientology sauna that magically removes all your impurities, I am too busy stifling laughter to actually pay attention to the little details. All I hear is their assertion that under $cientological purification regimens, years and years of subcutaneous poisons and impurities are washed out of your system. Like, for instance, Medication. Hair Dye. Old Sunburns. One of these poor misguided souls even had the audacity to claim she saw someone once exposed to radioactive materials actually sweat out fucking uranium (Greg, Tom and josh will remember the incredulous look on my face, and the look of terror when Kate asked "Just what the hell are you putting in the steam?"). This stuff is of course fucking crazy, but lucky for us, it's also fucking hilarious. Thanks again L Ron.

One detail I have always missed until this last trip is the universal mention of a regimen of vitamin supplements, including taking niacin supplements. Until I went to this hilarity with someone in possession of actual non layman's science knowledge, I merely assumed the ridiculous properties assigned to the Scientology spa were the result of willful delusion, much in the same way Christians in those stupid mega churches pretend that they've been possessed by the Holy Spirit and are now inspired to "speak in tongues". (and if you've never seen this, turn to your local Funduhmentalist TV channel right now - given half an hour of screen time and 50 dollars in donations, even the most reticent Fundamentalist will make with the "Blamarafaleebadookatrilllaglibbfetrllliauuuhgildreieyway" when prodded.)

Now, thanks to the fact that I have been to the Exhibition with an Actual Scientist(tm), an Actual Scientist who has also from time to time explored taking of vitamin supplements to shore up the old health, I know that this hilarity isn't just willful delusion, it's good stagecraft. Niacin, as K pointed out, explicitly states on most labels that flushing and increased heart rate are common side effects. This would explain the red skin that our $cientologist friends attribute to heir dye and sunburns melting out of their bodies. Thanks K, for making their silliness even more silly, with Science!

K forgot to mention some of the other pleasures of the LRHLE. For instance, you learn how evil Psychology is. Oh, not with any evidence or convincing arguments, but with a helpful video that shows an Evil Bastard Psychologist destroying a Distraught Person Who Clearly Needs $scientology To Help Her:

EBP: YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS!

DPWCN$THH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

EBP: THERE'S NO POINT IN BEING SORRY, YOU AREN'T CAPABLE OF THINKING ON YOUR OWN.

DPW: (Sobbing histrionically) Please, I'm sorry, I'm trying!

EBP: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU HAVE TO DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU! EXACTLY!!!!!

Ha ha, those wacky psychologists, always with the abuse and ridicule and the destruction of innocent lives and the Glaben. Er, Brian Wilson aside, I don't know anyone who has experienced this kind of abuse at the hands of a psychologist, but if they did, I'd probably be the first to sign up. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get into a shouting match with your therapist? I'd bring it like a P.I.M.P, cause ain't no educated-ass beeyatch gonna step to me, naI'msaying G? My last therapist was a very gentle and relaxed man who liked listening and suggesting rather than yelling at me, and now that $cientologists have come into my life, I feel like I've been shafted in the therapy game.

They didn't do it this time around, but one of $cientology's big techniques is to obsess over the definition of words literally, as if the root definition of words somehow confers power beyond the intent of the word. For instance, they point out to you that Psyche means "Soul", and Logos means study or Knowledge. Then they smugly say "See, Psychology is the study of the soul! how can you study a soul? Clearly, Scientology, which means the study of knowing, is superior". To which I politely do not say "Clearly, you're a fucking idiot. Using Greek words to express scientific terminology is a tradition at least as old as scam artists posing as religious leaders. 'Dinosaur' Literally means 'Terrible Lizard', and 'Tyrannosaurus Rex' Literally means Tyrant-lizard king". Do you think that Old T-rex literally rose through the ranks of Dinosaur nobility until they chose him to lead them? You're an idiot!"

Again, this is what I did not say. Because I'm a brave person who, rather than confront the person head on with my opposition, chooses instead to anonymously shred them on a blog, where they can't defend themselves. Yep, gotta love my bravery. verily, fairness is not a right in the PDRR, let me tell you.

K also left out the other of LRHLE's crème de la crèmes: The tour of L Ron's life as a writer, and how he moved to Hollywood to become a big time screenwriter. (Where have we heard that one before... mirror, I'm looking at you!). Not only do they spend more time talking about the huge number of Books he's written, they also treat his writing as if he were William Shakespeare's illegitimate son, while still managing to avoid talking about the quality of those books.

The best is the enormous moving parts-riffic Dioramas based on his books, Battlefield Earth, and his "Decology", Mission Earth. These are literally the single funniest thing you will see anywhere in Hollywood, period. Huge clunky plastic statues representing key scenes from the books, with ***HILARIOUS*** music supposedly written by L Ron himself (with a little help from Chick Chorea), they look more like decadent piñatas than examples of the brilliance of human potential. Your intestines will rupture from holding the laughter in. They're so mind bogglingly pretentious while at the same time completely patronizing, I can't believe they don't literally turn all who view them to stone.

One thing I can say in all honesty however -the battlefield Earth part is still a million times better than the movie, a fact even the tour guides are forced to acknowledge.

You also get to watch a short film about L Ron's life as a screenwriter. No matter how they spin it, there's no way to ignore the fact that he just wasn't very good at it, and left LA after about 3 years. However, they do manage to put a positive spin on things. The film ends, optimistically, with the now official motto of This Space For Rent: "Hollywood Screenwriting... yet another area in which L Ron Hubbard was a true professional."

With that, I'll now let the last few days burn permanently to my brain's C: drive. I'll leave with this - "Awesomeness: Yet another area in which K is a true professional".

Now, all of you need to check this out whenever you're in LA, and I need to find out how to get to Dragon con. Ross out.

Word.

* I could swear that they used to say his dad was in the Navy, and now they don't mention anything of the sort. Am I on crack?

So how do I describe the last few days? In 1989, Morrissey and Michael Stipe spent a few days in London hanging out together. It was already fairly well known at the time that Michael and Morrissey were more than likely gay, and speculation, which Morrissey did little to quell, was that they had been lovers. When asked about it by NME however, Morrissey simply replied, rather discreetly, "We walked and we talked and dot dot dot".

As I mentioned last week, a close friend from out of town came to visit, and if I didn't say so explicitly, it was super awesome, and super fun. Incredible even. I've been debating how to talk about this on the blog. I haven't wanted to say too much, and destroy all pretensions of discretion, or say too little, and trivialize the experience. The fact is, as you all know, I've had a huge crush on a friend of This Space for Rent for some time, a crush which has only worsened as the object of my crush and I have become closer and closer friends. Finally getting to meet her for the first time was a truly singularly remarkable experience, one which has not only provided many bittersweet feelings, but has also single handedly restored my faith in the beauty of taking chances and being impulsive.

When she suggested coming out to visit and meet me for the first time, piggybacking her time with me atop time spent with a much closer friend of hers in San Diego, I am surprised to say that I was quite happy and actively encouraging. (And after some neurotic imprecision on my part, I was able to convince her that in fact I did not feel weird about it). I had until this point been rather reticent to suggest meeting in person - me being a guy, and having spent most of my life close to women, I'm keenly aware of how weird guys can be or at least how weird we can seem, and I don't ever want to be that guy, if that makes sense. I was surprised by the sudden opportunity to finally meet someone I already considered a dear friend, but for whom I had no voice, face, or mannerism to apply. However, to be honest, the moment the suggestion was made, I practically yelled "hellz yeah". The fact that she was on the verge of passing an important evaluation on which her education and career depended only gave a jubilant backdrop to the trip - the chance to meet this friend and crush and hopefully, be as much fun for her in person as I imagined I am in written word, was made better by this added happiness.

As of Wednesday evening, we not only had never come close to meeting, we had never even spoken on the phone. Our first ever phone conversation consisted of my attempting to give her directions from LAX to my office building via MTA, while getting sidetracked with silly digressions about the ghetto chest pound, to which she was nice enough to laugh. Other than just over a week's worth of instant messaging, our sole means of communicating for the last couple of months had been writing letters. (E-mail letters, but long letters nonetheless). After a long flight, followed by successful navigation of the poorly organized monstrosity that is the LA transit system, then making it to where I work and patiently waiting while I ended my boring workday, she and I finally shared our first physical conversation over food and drink much later than is normal for both activities. That conversation lasted until at least 3 in the morning, and continued intermittently throughout the night, morning, and afternoon, and amazingly, never so much seemed to end as much as just pause for a while.

Again, let me reiterate - this conversation seemed never ending and I'm still kind of annoyed that distance and circumstance is preventing it form continuing thusly for the time being.

What stands out now about the time she spent at Casa De La Ross, finally, in person, is the ease in which we assumed the now inarguably personal aspect of our friendship. Strangely unlike meeting someone for the first time, it was like being reunited with an old friend whom I simply hadn't been able to visit - more like catching up than actually getting to know each other. I don't want to sound like I'm hyping it up or applying mystical significance, but it was an immense pleasure, and a gorgeously deja Vu-esque feeling of knowing someone deeply, whom technically, you are just beginning to figure out. The process of learning about her beyond what we have written to each other was as much fun as the actual hanging out part of being around in person. Furthermore, physical familiarity is supposed to take much longer, and I have to admit that I'm quite overwhelmed that the opposite is in this case true.

So, to answer any questions, we walked and we talked and dot dot dot. And it was wonderful. You're not getting anything more than that out of me for the time being, except that my crush is extremely well deserved, and if anything is far worse now than anything it even remotely approached prior to the last 5 days. Even saying goodbye after an incredible time was strangely warming and dreamily comforting. I suppose we have to have little heartbreaks like this to remember to feel, and I for one can't wait to see if circumstances conspire to allow this particular heartbreak to happen again.

In the meantime, many glasses of wine will be consumed, and many toasts in absentia will be offered.

*********************

What about the actual events? We hung out for a total of 2 days, split between 5. It felt like a week, (A really great week) and I've hardly slept. Sadly, my love of drink, and tendency to consume rather rapidly during conversations was, ineptly, ignored and the drunkenness I had anticipated was not only postponed, it was avoided all together. I blame our constant chattering and the amazing rapport. Damn you chemistry! I never was able to beat her at Mario Kart, namely owing to the fact we were unable to play at all, but I hold out hope that our next meeting will be more providential for racing radness. We also laughed, a lot. And I've spent too little time looking into deep blue eyes.

There are going to be some very interesting collaborations in the next few weeks, and I suspect, a multitude of drunk dialings. But, you ask, what is the moral of the story?

1) More of this please.

2) Scientists are cool.

3) I cannot stress the coolness of escalators enough.

As if in direct response to my oft stated opinions on drinking, here's something interesting out of Maryland:

SEVERNA PARK, Md. (Wireless Flash) -- Do American teenagers need a learner's permit for beer? The 20-year-old intern on a Maryland-based radio show called "Beer Radio" thinks so.

Jennifer Wiley, who will hit the legal drinking age this September, says she thinks young Americans need to learn how to appreciate beer as a component to a meal, rather than a liquid to chug until you get drunk.

She thinks 21st birthday binges filled with shots of alcohol and bottle after bottle of beer would be a lot less common if American teens were allowed to sample beer legally with their parents during mealtimes.

My only response to this is Hell yes. Though Americans seem to think our rather prudish and wholly unrealistic attitude towards drinking is normal, we differ from nearly every single other nation not currently run by religious fundamentalists, including our neighbors Canada and Mexico, in that we for some stupid reason do not allow teens to drink. (I'm thinking 18 and up here folks, just like in England and Canada). What are we, drunk? Why can't people who may marry, serve in the military, and own a house, also not buy a beer from time to time, or frequently?

Of course, raising the drinking age did serve one purpose - it dramatically reduced the number of car wrecks teens had. On the other hand, maybe the solution to the car wreck problem isn't limiting the rights of young adults to engage in activites universally accepted in every other nation on earth, it's to perhaps examine why we're enslaved by the automobile.

At any rate, though unlikely to be considered by any lawmaking body, it's a fantastic idea - Let's see if we can turn this into a popular movement.

hey, maybe everyone ought to go and see how they think my main man Johnny H might feel about this.

The Australian Navy says security was not compromised when a refuelling vessel was daubed with graffiti in the port of Wellington.

-SNIP-

Anti-war protesters have admitted painting the 157-metre vessel - one of two RAN replenishment ships - with a slogan in fluorescent green criticising the Australian prime minister.

The group Ethical Foreign Policy is Possible, says it spray-painted the words "John Howard, US bootlicker" along the hull of the Success, which has since left for Napier.

Damn, that's gotta hurt. Somebody, go over and let John know you care.

But seriously, this isn't a good week for the sycophants who gleefully kissed Flightsuit Boy's ass, only to find out A) That he is full of shit, and B) that all he really cares about is his own immediate interests, allies and commitments be damned. First poor Neo-Franco-ite Aznar's precious PP loses it's Majority, and now Johnny H is humiliated. Sorry John, you live by sucking up to the Bushies, you d - well, you know the rest.

But seriously, go give him a hand.

This is from last week, but I've been obsessing over it. It sure is damn annoying to see well meaning idiots acting all surprised when other people act in the same way people have always acted as long as there fucking have been people:

Teens Pledging Sex Abstinence Often Fail-Study

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - U.S. adolescents who pledge not to have sex until they are married have about the same rate of sexually transmitted diseases as other teenagers and they often fail to keep their pledge, according to a study released on Tuesday.

The study of a nationally representative sample of about 15,000 youths aged 12 to 18 found that 88 percent of teenagers who pledged to remain virgins until they are married ended up having sex before marriage.

Folks, it's simple. In fact, it's so simple that I'm surprised every time Abstinence Only types open their mouths they don't hit themselves on the forehead and yell "Duurrr". Of course teens have sex. Of course teens who say they'll wait until marriage to lose their virginity have sex. Of course teens who say they'll wait until marriage have sex and sometimes forget to be safe. TEENAGERS HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT THEY'LL DO SHIT AND THEN CHANGING THEIR MINDS WHEN BETTER* INFORMATION CAME ALONG SINCE HUMAN BEINGS CAME OUT OF THE DAMN TREES.

For the record, here are some things I said I'd never do when I was a teenager:

1) Do any illegal drugs ever. Whoopsie! Totally forgot to keep that pledge. A lot. Sometimes in combination. Especially when I was 17 through 20. And, well, you get the idea.

2) Drink Alcohol. And to answer your next question, I do want to travel back in time and slap myself for having come up with such a retarded idea. Also, I want to sue the bible belt for making people feel so uncomfortable taking part in the single unifying cultural trait of all mankind, the love of a relaxing drink.**

3) Ever work somewhere that asks for a resume. Only a mind as arrogant and easily manipulated as mine at 16 could come up with this hilarity. If only I knew at 17 what I know now, that jobs which require resumes are the easiest jobs on earth, way easier than lousy restaurant jobs.

No, I never pledged abstinence. I'm not that big of an idiot. Even when I was 13, and my Sunday school class teacher tried to explain to us why God wanted us to wait until marriage to have sex, I was smart enough to recognize that scam for what it is. Because you know what else teenagers have been doing since people have been people? Fucking. Hella. Christians, I know y'all mean well, but your naive view of the good old days as some wonderful time when everyone was all pent up and no one did anything remotely sexy is so amazingly out of touch with reality that you might as well be writing science fiction.

Before modern times, people could literally own other people (Sadly, this still exists in many parts of the world). Additionally, women were the literal property of their husbands. You could even be burned at the stake for accidentally noticing that the Earth revolved around the Sun. And "8 month babies" were so common the term premature doesn't even enter the language until the Victorian period. Just face it guys, you're fighting a losing battle. Why not get on board with reality and quit pretending that your kid's "late night study sessions" are just for some very sticky and flushed mathematics.

****************************************

But joking aside, the amazing denial and outright dishonesty that Abstinence only education requires isn't just stupid and easily ridiculed, it's also really dangerous.

[The Study Found that] these teenagers were also less likely to use condoms when they did have sex because they had not paid attention to sex education.

Because of their ignorance about sexually transmitted diseases, "pledgers" were also less likely to seek medical help if they contracted one of the diseases, according to the study unveiled at a Philadelphia conference on sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs.

Dr. Peter Bearman of Columbia University in New York, who headed the study, said the pledge movement failed to recognize the realities of adolescent sexuality. "Ideological programs designed to make serious interventions in public health programs tend not to work," he said.

Adolescents who pledged abstinence were much less likely than others to use contraceptives the first time they had sex. Consequently, their risk of getting STDs and becoming pregnant was as high as non-pledgers, the study found.

If anything, this just further illustrates why we need new ideological blood in the white house and congress. The conservative position on every major problem we have, namely the "Stick your head in the sand or lie to yourself approach" just doesn't work. We need sexual education willing to deal honestly and accurately with sex, rather than creating a generation of sexual neurotics incapable of dealing honestly with the joys and responsibilities of being a sexual being.

In the meantime, I'd like to propose that we progressives take a page from the conservative play list and present our own pledges. For the last 25 years or so, Liberals have persuasively argued that sex is private, and sexual decisions should therefore should be left up to the person making the decision. Meanwhile, conservatives have been blatantly selling out their own so-called principles by insisting that sex is everyone's business BUT the person making the decision. These two differing approaches have sadly conflagrated with the advent of AIDS and the need to deal head on with STDs in general. As the inability to treat national sexual issues privately has worsened, the conservatives have unfortunately been able to dominate the debate with feel good slogans and electoral trickery.

Therefore, I propose that we on the left take public sexual discussion back the way we took private sexual discussion a generation ago. In addition to replacing these so called education programs designed to foster ignorance and fear of sex with reasonable and effective sexual health education, let's come up with some public pledges of our own:

Progressive teenagers should counter these ridiculous Abstinence or "Purity" pledges with "Responsibility Pledges" - They can promise to be open, honest, and safe, but above all to never compromise their own personal sexual health or needs because of guilt, pressure, or shame. They could form a support group for teens who accept that sex is an inevitability, and that while they may choose to wait (And let's face it, to become accepted by normal people, they'll have to emphasize waiting until "the future" sometime), they also know that having access to the facts can never come too early. They could encourage communication and the treatment of one's partners with dignity, in addition to the normal need to defend against STDs. In short, be to those adult enough to accept the reality of sex what the AP types are to fundamentalists - a community to find acceptance and love within.

Meanwhile, Those of us who may someday be, or already are, progressive parents, should make our own Public Reponsilbility Pledge to encourage our children to be inquisitive, honest, and safe. To make sure we aren't the reason our children can't deal responsibly with sex, or a contributing factor to dangerous or irresponsible behavior, while at the same time acknowledging that our kids will in fact most likely have sex and that we want that period in their lives to be good for them, not dangerous or shameful.

Making these vows public might, I suspect, be a good step towards countering the lies and dangerous miscalculations on the part of the right, and I hope, to a sexually mature society.

* By "better", I don't mean superior, I mean, more appealing - Teenagers do't always make the best decisions for themselves, as is demonstrated by my own spotty record. However, they certainly tend to make decisions based on which information is more appealing to them given their circumstances.

** Really, don't you find it bitterly ironic that in every single other country on earth, teenagers are allowed to drink? EVen Puerto Rico, which is part of the US, allows 18 year olds to drink. What the hell America! Let the kids get they drink on!

Via Pandagon, here's even more proof that when it comes to protecting us, defending us, and essentially keeping us from being blown up by religious fanatics, all the Bushies really care about are photo ops and propaganda:

Administration sources tell TIME that employees at the Department of Homeland Security have been asked to keep their eyes open for opportunities to pose the President in settings that might highlight the Administration's efforts to make the nation safer. The goal, they are being told, is to provide Bush with one homeland-security photo-op a month.

Read that again. Better still, let me post that again:

Administration sources tell TIME that employees at the Department of Homeland Security have been asked to keep their eyes open for opportunities to pose the President in settings that might highlight the Administration's efforts to make the nation safer. The goal, they are being told, is to provide Bush with one homeland-security photo-op a month.

Are we all clear on what this means? They're commanding government employees to work on Bush's reelection campaign ON OUR FUCKING TAX DOLLARS. I could go on and on about how this vile group of retrograde class warriors can't wait to turn the clock back to about 1885, about how they view America and Americans largely as a source of income for their rich friends, about how they're willing to turn the country over to the religious right, about how they're willing to see our country fall to save some money on their taxes, etc, but instead, I just want everyone to remember that paragraph every time you see some commercial touting Flightsuit boy's steadfast resolve to defeat terror.

Hell, I'll say it: As long as that man remains in office, the terrorists will win.

Pandagon also has an even better suggestion: We have make this story known as loudly as possible. We have to make sure that evryone is aware of just how craven and ineffectual these guys have been. Blog about it. Tell your friends. Yell on the rooftops if you have to.

Now, to make up for the bitter resignation of this post, I'd like to send everyone to my favorite webresource for nostalgic childrens' TV fare. Enjoy. But don't forget how critical november is for the future of the country. Word.

Full Disclosure: I am, stupidly, quite guilty of not registering my car in California as of yet, which means that I am about 300 bucks behind in taxes that ought to go to the state of California, instead of to the state of Oklahoma (Where my car taxes currently go). Does this make me a hypocrite? Perhaps, since I happen to enthusiastically believe in the duty of all citizens to pay their fair share of taxes. Sure, I do make sure all other taxes are taken care of, but this is kind of a big deal, something over which I'm increasingly uneasy.

I just wanted to throw this out in the open because I can't help but feel that this irresponsibility on my part is but a small fraction of the larger problem gripping the bulk of the United states, namely a culture so blindingly self centered that we're forcing our civic authorities to sellout our autonomy to corporate America in order to stay solvent. In Short, we're all, even myself, a bunch of selfish assholes.

LOS ANGELES — It’s home to fun, sun and Hollywood (search) glamour -- and now the city of Los Angeles (search) may be lending its name and image to the highest bidder.

Leaders of the cash-strapped city are considering selling the naming rights for Los Angeles to a variety of products. Coke (search) or Pepsi could be the city’s official soft drink, for instance, and Lexus (search) or BMW the official automobile.

Lawmakers say the choice for a budget-crunched city like Los Angeles comes down to raising taxes or finding other ways of raising necessary funds. New York and San Diego are already in the sponsorship game and are making millions.

Sure this might in fact be a lucrative system, but I can't help but feel that allowing the corporations that already have far too much control over our lives to essentially assume responsibility for funding our government is dangerous irresponsibility of the sort which leads to the fall of empires. Essentially, we're paying taxes to our corporate masters in the form of consumer spending, instead of to the government on which we depend for social services, public works, and law enforcement. This might be a republican's wet dream, but the our civilization shouldn't be a for-profit enterprise.

One thing to keep in mind is that we're increasingly turning over the engines of civilization to private interests, conferring authority and social responsibility on people who were NOT elected and are NOT in it for the public good, but for maximum profit. Ayn Randian fantasies of the benevolent marketplace aside, everyman for himself is not a useful system for encouraging civic good feeling and good citizenship. Here's hoping we come to our senses soon.

My outrage over this has at least alerted me to my incredible hypocrisy, so for what it's worth, I'm going to AAA this week to figure out how to arrange for my car's long overdue California legality. In the future, I'll keep in mind that right thinking is no substitute for right action.

I finally got to meet a very good friend for the first time. In the last 36 hours, I have eaten two meals, (Italian, and diner), visited the shrine of a religious nutjob, ridden sweaty subways, and failed utterly to represent the Mario Kart action that I have so richly waited for. I have also slept very little and laughed a lot. It has been super awesome. 2 things about the Special Crossover event that This Space for Rent has currently been part of.

1) I am now the world's biggest proponant of communication via letter writing and e-mail.

2) I believe I have chosen the first of my Imperial Cabinet well. The Grand Vizier is highly qualified for the post. We're talking *Hella* governing abilities here. I forsee nothing but glory for the PDRR. And the defeat of our hated enemies, who will be named when electorally convenient.

I haven't had a pen pal in ages. To take the chance to become one with someone, and then find out that your impression of a friend via writing is actually an accurate impression of what that friend is actually like, is really awesome. Meaning, finding out that a seemingly great person actuallly is great is da bomb. More on this when I have the chance.

I'm going to post an extended piece on my super powers shortly, but that's going to have to wait for few days - I probably won't post again until Friday since I am now in the middle of a very special sweeps week, Crossover Episode of This Space for Rent. More on that when next I post, but let's say for now that it will rule.

In the meantime, friends of This Space For Rent are aware that I have 2 unexplained and very powerful super powers. The first will take too much time to go into here, so I'll save it for the next long post on this topic. The second is my uncanny mutant ability to insert my name into any song ever written. It's a gift and a curse, but I wield the responsibility well, or at least, annoyingly.

I must have been exposed to more Rosstonite, because a new power has emerged. I can Michael McDonald-ize any song in existence. I am not making this up. You name a song and I can sing it like a Michael McDonald song. Great gods, why must you afflict me with this curse?!?!?

I"m starting to feel like a lion in the colloseum:

Here's the best quote:

"[KERRY] George Bush is running on the same old Republican tactics of fear — and they're already getting tired," he said. "It's clear that this president will fight like hell to keep his own job, but he won't lift a finger to help Americans keep theirs."

In the words of Tenacious D, Fuuuck Yeaaaaaah!. Bring it bitches. I'm hungry, let's throw some more fodder into the arena.

Found this via the good people at Corrente.

I used to love text based computer games. Oregon trail, Zork, and the like were totally awesome, but the best one of all took place after Congress changed the law so that 8 year olds could vote, and people as young as 13 could be president. You played as the new, youngest president ever, trying to solve word games and world problems without getting impeached or starting a war. You got to accidentally start a war by calling the Premier of Russia a weenie, and your polling numbers took a nosedive when you spent tax dollars on toys. In short, it was awesome, and everything we used to wish the presidency could be like. Your know, until we actually did get a petulant baby as our president.

Naturally, fantasies like that are great when you're 13, but as with being a star commander, or traveling through time, you realize as you grow up that some dreams just aren't meant to be reality.

Or are they?

Calif. Lawmakers Propose Voting Age of 14

March 8, 2004 09:55 PM EST


SACRAMENTO, Calif. - A proposed amendment to California's constitution would give 16-year-olds a half-vote and 14-year-olds a quarter-vote in state elections.

State Sen. John Vasconcellos, among four lawmakers to propose the idea on Monday, said the Internet, cellular phones, multichannel television and a diverse society makes today's teens better informed than their predecessors.

Well, they've got a point I guess. Heck, I was a wonky little asshole when I was 14. I would have flipped out for the chance to exercise my voting rights a bit early, and I had to rely on the stupid Reader's Guide to Periodical Literature, and the Encyclopedia Boring-annica to learn my shit. Thanks to the magic of the internet, today's kids are more like Lobot than normal children and I have a feeling they're about to discover how to download into each other's bodies.

And now that I think about it, being able to vote might have made up for that most awful of adolescent maladies, the lack of hot action I suffered chronically from during Jr High. I could even have voted in favor of that teacher's pay increase back in 1988. Then I wouldn't have had to endure an extra week of school thanks to the strike the directly resulted from Oklahoma's selfish voters and congresspeople refusing to approve the pay increase. You know, that was the last summer Nickelodeon aired the Mysterious Cities of Gold, and thanks to that extra week of school, I missed taping almost all of the last few episodes. Yet another argument for beating up tax evaders in my opinion, but I digress.

"When we gave the vote to those who didn't own property, then to women, then to persons of all colors, we added to the richness of our democratic dialogue and our own nation's integrity and its model for the world," Vasconcellos said, calling it time to further extend the vote.

Okay, now this is starting to sound a bit hinky. I know teenagers already feel like oppressed victims of society, but that's, you know, a phase they're supposed to grow out of. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING JOHN?!?!?! You're encouraging them??? Don't you understand how dangerous that is? Sure, it's one thing if it's the band nerds, art fags, and debate geeks voting. Those are kind of my people and I support their utter empowerment over the teeming masses. But when they get older. Believe me, I know from experience that the last people in the world you want voting are kids like me when I was 15.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST ME ON THIS: You do not want the "Stupid Fucking Jock Asshole Memorial Bridge" connecting every major harbor and river in the country. And speaking of, do we really want Stupid Fucking Jock Assholes voting either? Our health insurance will be required to pay for Rohypnol. Is this this world you want to raise your kids in? Is it?

A Republican colleague said it was "the nuttiest idea I've ever heard."

I disagree, "Republican Colleague". The nuttiest ideas, in descending order, are as follows:

1) That the bible is a literal book. No it is not. The Bible says that the value of pie is exactly three. It also says that Charleton Heston parted the Red sea. Neither one of those things are true, let me assure you.

2) The belief that lowering taxes on the rich and raising taxes on the poor helps the economy. That's just fucking retarded. And assholeish.

3) That the richest country in the history of the world makes people pay for college and medicine. Are we all on crack?

4) That we ought to amend the constitution so that Arnold can be president. Arnold is way crazier than some hormonal teenager, and he's actually groped far more women. Plus, he's Germanic. GERMANIC PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE IN CHARGE OF THE WEAPONS EVER AGAIN.

5) That global warming isn't happening. You know what else isn't happening? The human race living past the year 2200.

So yeah, this idea is maybe about number 25 on the list. Also, you're Republican? Then you're an asshole. Fuck you.

Said Assemblyman Ray Haynes: "There's a reason why 14-year-olds and 16-year-olds don't vote. They are not adults. They are not mature enough. They are easily deceived by political charlatans."

You mean like Republican Politicans promsing lower taxes, expensive colleges, and shitty infrastructure? Yeah, I think we ought to be protecting our kids from assholes like that too, so thanks to Ray for pointing this out.

Student supporters said the idea could give them a say in issues such as education funding and bring new voices to the California electorate.

"If we could vote, politicians would see us as votes, not just kids, and they would take our issues seriously," said Robert Reynolds, a student at Berkeley High School.

Look, Robby, love your naivety and all, but they gave the vote to Black people and Women too, and I don't see George Bush in the south bashing rednecks and reading Atwood. Do you think they'll suddenly pass laws declaring that School is like, so wack? GMAFB kid. They don't even treat adults like votes. These guys think you're not mature enough to handle hearing about condoms and realistic ways to handle sex - somehow I doubt they'll give a fuck what you think about taxes or the war.

And it's moot anyway - We already allow children in politics, and it's been an unmitigated disater.

Besides, we have more pressing issue, like lowering the drinking age to 18 and bringing back passenger rail. Trust me kids, you'll appreciate getting smashed and taking the train home a lot more than you'll appreciate that vote. Balee dat.

It has occurred to us that while we are certainly worthy to wield the mantle of guiding the People's Democratic Republic of Ross into a greater, glorious golden age of peace, prosperity, and make outs, we are but one humble man - the responsibilities of governing the People's democratic republic of Ross are so great and numerous that we require the assistance of gifted and subservient advisors, strategists, and especially concubines in order to maintain smooth and effective imperial functions.

As you may have noticed from the last post, your Emperor has appointed a new link in the imperial chain of command, the Grand Vizier. The Grand Vizier is my Prime Minister, though since we're an imperial Plutocracy and not a constitutional Monarchy, the GV is not Chief Executive in the same way England's PM is. The GV's duties including assuring me that I don't look all bulky in that one pair of pants, and explaining just where the heck mitochondria gets off having it's own DNA*.

If I'm ever out of the country, or if I arbitrarily say so, I expect you all to obey the grand vizier as if you were talking to me, since she carries my official seal and happens to know the secret formula for making beer and wine. Plus, she's southern, which means she can go crazy at any time!

Since she currently has her own province to rule over as she sees fit, her duties will be Ad Hoc and largely ceremonial, which means I may still require many other people to handle the minutia of sailing the ship of state. I will be announcing my appointments as they become available, but I am encouraging all citizens who think they may be worthy to offer themselves up for consideration for lesser posts. Acceptance into Imperial service will result in your occasionally posting official updates to the newswire in my name.

So, who wants to serve the emperor and the nation? Sign up today!

* I dont care if you have to call out the marines, the army, or the PTA, I want Mitochondria in my throne room for questioning without delay.

Good friend and Grand Vizier of This Space For Rent, K of Alien Fur has just passed an important step in the acquisition of her PhD, and I just want to take this opportunity to say congratulations, and also, that My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, this song is now stuck in your head.

But seriously, go to her site and offer congratulations! She deserves them!

Funny, I don't remember getting drunk last night, but for some reason, it's 8 AM on a saturday, I'm as awake as a sober churchmouse in a moustrap on Sunday reading the Left Behind series, and my head is aching with a pounding, dull throb. Errgl.

In an attempt to pass the time while my body makes up its mind as to whether or not it's going to let me rest, I'm trying to draw GI Joe characters as cutesy Ross comics. Destro is kind of easy, since he's mostly a silver head sans ears with a velvety v-neck sweater in the shape of a cobra hood to compliment him. He's the Venus Flytrap of the Cobra organization. Which totally explains why the Baroness, the HOTTEST of all GI Joe Characters ever, is so keen on kicking it with him.




Did I mention that the Barroness is Smokin hot? Because damn girl, damn.




(fans self frantically) "I delcare Miss Barroness, Yaw the loveliest servent of despotic terrorism this side of Norfolk. Fiddilidee!

Cobra Commander is a bit harder to get right, especially as you have to decide which version you're willing to take a stab at. If you go with the Classic OG version, the job is made easier by his lack of a face, being as it is covered by a shiny metal plate. However, he's wearing a WW1 German infantry hat, something I can't draw very well at all. On the Other hand, the Ultra Smoove hooded Cobra Commander is way hard, since you can't draw a neck, and his nose has to be somewhat discernable. The hardest part about Cobra Commander is of course conveying the cheesy Cowardice - Honestly, How much competition is there in Cobra Officer Candidacy training school if he's their leader? Maybe the only test is your Ability to yell "Cobraaaaaaaaa" really well. Cobra Commander definitely has that shit locked up.




You know who's the hardest to draw? Dr Mindbender. That cape and Monocle combination is a killer. At least he has a cool mustache to keep you occupied.




Then again, now that I think about it, Dr Mindbender does bear a striking resemblance to another Famous Mustached world leader.




Bully! Problem solved! I just draw the great TR, and add a cape! How's that for carrying a big stick?

Of course, only the Cobra operative with his own reverb brings it like it needs to be brung:




Does anyone out there have any idea why A) Zartan wears more eye makeup than Xtina, and B) why he's got more echo than Elvis? Maybe he was hired from Cobra's Ho-Nasty Division.

After the Barroness, let's admit that Scarlett, my OG "red-hed" crush, is the finest Joe Character. Barroness is way Spexier (Given that she has, er, specs), but Scarlett's red hair almost makes up for her 20/20 vision. I think my fixation on GWGs (girls with glasses) and colored hair can be traced to the Barroness and Scarlett. MMM MMM MMM.

What's that? Nah girls, don't fight... there's more than enough of Ross to go around.




Any thoughts?

(Edited because I remembered the 26th Prez and wanted to give props!)

Great Jumping Dts! Something tells me I need a different health plan, or at least, I need to go to college in Arizona!:

Students prescribed Vicodin for colds

Campus Health says prescriptions routine

Katy Hartley, a pre-business sophomore, went to Campus Health Service last year with a sore throat. Hartley expected the Campus Health doctor to give her a strep throat test and possibly antibiotics. Instead, she was sent home with a bottle of Vicodin, a strong opiate painkiller.

“I was really surprised; I totally expected antibiotics, and all I got was Vicodin,” said Hartley, who had an allergic reaction to the drugs. “It seems really weird to me; I don’t know why they are treating sore throats by prescribing these medications.”

Er Katy, it's because Vicodin fucking rocks the shit out of your sickness and replaces it with the exact opposite, wit a muthafuckin quickness. It's like kryptonite to pain! Now that's what I call holistic medicine! Nothing gets rid of a bad cold like being pumped full of pleasure endorphines that might crippingly addict you. MM mm mm.

I have taken Vicodin exactly one time, for a migraine headache. I've had problems with migraines all my life, and mine are particuarly harsh - I am literally unable to function for the duration of the migraine, and I tend to throw up a whole lot. Which can really put a crimp in the day, since they tend to be as long as 5 hours in duration. After taking one full Vicodin pill, within 15 minutes my headache and all symptoms were gone, replaced with a warm, buzzy glow that felt like being drunk and post-coital at the same time. I kid you not, it was that good.

And that was for a Migraine! God only knows what it does for a wussy little cold. "Strong Opiate Painkiller"? Try "Amazing crackwhore creator". Damn that stuff works. It just works a bit too well is all, which of course is the reason I am kind of afriad of it, and will likely avoid it for most of my life. It's just too damn good. I think I'd literally turn into that "I'll suck your dick!" guy from Menace II Society if I had too much. I'll probably just stick to scotch.

In other news, I think I'm feeling a little sniffle coming on...

Ah, Friday Shameless Plug time!

Tonight, as always, you can listen to the ever victorious General, the Guardian Deity of the universe of radio shows, Theme party!. We're on the air in LA at FM 104.7, and of course, online. We've been in exceptional form recently, so if you haven't been able to listen, or if you've (Heaven forbid!) forgotten to tune in lately, tonight is the perfect time to spend a couple of hours reconnecting with your main homies, Me, Kyle MCDC, and DJ Kiss My Fist.

All you have to do is click the above link, go to our official site, and click to listen! While you listen you can participate in the discussions by IMing us using Yahoo and AOL. We're that thoughtful, because we love you. It's so easy, even a lazy man like me can do it!

Tonight's show? "Theme Party: Up all Night". It's our After Hours show! We'll probably talk about late night TV, Skinemax movies, making out, looking for something to watch when you're not old enough for a driver's license, making out, making up excuses so your parents will let you stay out all night, losing sleep, and again, making out. We'll also be playing sexy, fun, sleepy, rattled, and caffeine fixated music perfect for the beginning of your weekend. I assure you that it will be awesome, and well worth staying up for.

We're on from 9 PM to 11 PM PST. If you're on the west coast, it's the perfect way to spend the evening before going out (and come on, we all know that no one in LA or SF does anything before 11 anyway). To my friends in other time zones, we just might be the perfect excuse to bring the homies over to the crib around midnight, rather than blowing all your money at the bar. We're a public service and hilarious entertainment!

Seriously - Listen to the show. YOu will not regret it.

Now that Kerry's nomination is pretty much a done deal, it's time for us on "The Left" (IE, people with a normal sense of perspective who aren't insane for tax cuts) to start crossing our fingers and hoping that he's learned some very valuable lessons about hitting first, hitting often, and hittting hard, against the inevitable republican attack machine. As has been repeated elsehwere more eloquently, we need a canddiate willing to actually fight like he wants to win. The stakes are nothing less than the future of the country.

The first thing we have to deal with the fact that the Bush Krew, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, are amazingly acting as if their economic record is a positive one, as if the economy is doing well right now. Any of us who've tried looking for work under the current regime know how tough things are, but the most telling proof that the Bush economy is a house of sand can be found by looking at what the "future" of America have to deal with:

Teens often the losers in competition for jobs

By Charles Stein, Globe Staff, 3/4/2004

-SNIP-

For people of all ages, the current job market is a tough one. For teenagers it is brutal. The weak economy has forced adults to seek the low-skill, low-wage jobs teens usually occupy. On top of that, a continuing inflow of immigrants has created still more competition at the bottom of the job market. The net result: Teenagers are being elbowed aside.

"The youth labor market is in a depression," said Neil Sullivan, president of the Boston Private Industry Council, a group that finds jobs for Boston's young people.

Italics mine.

Did you read that? They used the dreaded D-word. Anytime the Bushies try to pretend everything's coming up roses, Kerry's people need to Hammer this information down our throats. When even the teenagers are being squeezed out of low skilled work, how can anyone say we're in the middle of an Economic Recovery? There are some troubling signs that the writer of the article is slightly xenophobic, but overall it's good coverage of an oft overlooked segment of the economy, but one which is vital to understanding the overall health of the economy. In a way. Teen workers are one of the Canaries in the mineshaft of our economy. Pay Attention when they start gasping for air.

*Edited to clarify - there are more vulnerable workers than teens, though not many so quickly affected when things go south.

I'll admit it, I'm one of those guys: In the early 90's, you could find me wearing many a t-shirt and singing many a song indicating my membership in that silly, obsessive and kind of hilarious religious suicide cult known as the Morrisey Fanbase. I still love Morrissey's early solo work, almost more than I love the smiths. Don't worry, I'm far beyond those days, and I can now admit it when he puts out utter shite (which since 1994 has been more often than not) - Utter, uncritical worship is something I sort of left behind after I was 18. However, in spite of how much fun it is to make fun of the old guy, it should be loudly asserted that Morrissey's early solo output is pretty amazing. I still feel a kind of tactile connection whenever I listen to songs like "I know very well how I got my name", and "Disappointed".

What's probably even more pathetic than me at 18, Morrissey is the recipient of one of the few times I've ever actually been completely Star struck. He was sitting in the booth next to mine at Bigfoot lodge and instead of actually growing a pair and talking to him, I tried instead to be really funny, really LOUDLY. God I'm a dork. Months later, when I met his guitarist Boz Boorer, at the Shortstop, I bored my friends with the details for weeks. In spite of my brave facade, I'm still really, really dorky.

Since my ultranerded out youth, I've moved on to ultranerded out adulthood, and to people Like Scott Walker, Tom Jobim, Jarvis Cocker, and Momus. Furthermore, I no longer have any interest in uncritically praising someone whose art I worship. In most cases, I'd prefer to know as little as possible about the personal lives of the artists I actually admire* - I'd rather my appreciation for their music or writing not be affected by disappointment in them, or praise in either direction. But still, to this day I keep a very soft spot in my heart for the Moz, having spent so many of my formative years adulating him, and being as he is the first musical artists that actually made me willing to fight about music. Thanks to recent interesting events bringing Morrissey back from the brink of fatal obscurity I will probably keep hoping that he'll be less insane, and start having at least some hits again soon.

Why do I bring this up? Because I'd like to know 2 things:

1) I know I'm not the only lame-o out there. Is anyone else currently part of a music cult? Were you ever part of a cult, but with latent tendencies that never entirely go away? If so, which one?

2) And what music cults annoy you the most?


* That is, unless the artist in question makes their personal life a vital part of understanding their art. In which case, I reserve the right to praise effusively, or condemn without mercy.

When you care about music even a little bit, when you have what any reasonable person might consider "good" taste, there are few occasions with greater negative anticipation than the big budget cheese-fests otherwise known as weddings. For reasons science has yet to explain adequately, almost no one can resist the urge to have as their wedding music, the worst, most despicably shitty music ever written. Not only do these poor souls choose bad, obvious and utterly unimaginative music to commemorate their likely doomed nuptuals, they choose music guaranteed to make their audiances (The smart members of their audiances, anyway) cringe with terror at the song selections.

Some of the more terrifying offenders I have been subjected to will chill you to your very core:

"Did you ever know that you're my hero". I swear to god I am not making this up. I wasn't the only one shocked to the point of literally muffling my giggles.

"Because you loved me" by Celine Dion. Belted out by a horribly tone deaf choir singer who seemed to think that worshiping the lord meant being as bad at your "gift" as possible. She sang with that self important smugness that all Baptists have when they're singing Praises Unto Him, only she was doing it to one of the single worst ballads ever written. Oh man was it terrible.

"That horrible Shania Twain "Still the one" song. Of course, the wedding was in Oklahoma, which mean that everyone there was 50+, and there wasn't any liquor, so you can imagine the horror.

"More than Words". And they weren't kidding about it even a little bit. This really defies comment doesn't it?

It's almost as if weddings generate an energy field around the participants, making those directly involved utterly incapable of recognizing crap when they hear it, and actually causing their bodies to require crap in order to be alive. My current theory is that crappy music triggers the endorphines normally associated with pain response, and these endorphines allow the wedding participants to endure the agonizing boredom of slurry, unimaginative and frankly poorly written speeches given by family members, desperately pretending that the newly married couple hasn't been debasing* each other nightly for at least 2 years prior to their engagement.

Or maybe it's just that a surprisingly large amount of people have been hit in the head and lack judgement. That's why it's vitally important to make sure you're marrying the right person. I'm not talking about them being your soul mate - We'll assume you've already worked that little puzzle out before you run off to joint tax-filing land. Besides, you could be compatible as all git out, but you're still going to share the car with said soulmate. I know from experiance that enduring Dave Matthews in the car because your signif let you listen to the Cure the day before, is a fate worse than death. As my friend Brian so eloquently put it years ago, You don't have to like the same stuff, but you'd better hate the same stuff or you're going to be miserable.

So for all our sakes, when you've found the one, make doubly sure that you both have good taste in music, and furthermore, that they'll let you have input over the song choices in your wedding. Would you rather end up with "Because you loved me"? Do you want some horribly rancid folk song hiccuped by a drunken Family member because your fiancee has recently gotten into New Age? HELLZ No! You want your wdding to be fun.

The three best weddings I have been to in my ever less short life were great not just because the couples were so obviously made for each other, but because they respected themselves, each other, and their friends enough to actually select good music for their wedding. B+E were sent out of the chapel to "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. K+J were announced as Husband and Wife to the Main theme from Star Wars (And damn that was cool!!!) My best friend Tif and her husband Frazer had their first dance together to "Lovely Day" by Bill Whithers. All songs rule, all are tasteful, and no one watching felt any urge to grimace or wince at the all-encompassing cheesiness. Therefore, I predict all three couples will last forever.

I've asked some friends of mine, who have given me their incomplete but nonetheless spectacular choices. Mart Villanos chose "Send me and Angel" by Real Life (Which you may rememebr from such films as Rad, and The Wizard). Chi Chi Guns chooses "More Than This", by Roxy Music. And my choices?

During the ceremony: "The end of History", by Momus. It's a very sweet song about falling in love that also happens to imply that the universe is coming to an end. As close friends of mine know, juxtaposing the end of the world with cuddling is surefire spanish fly to me.

For walking out of the Chapel: I have two selections, either one would be totally awesome. #1: "I got a man" by Positive K. #2 would be "Never, never gonna give you up" by Barry White, because nothing says "We're now legally going to have sex a whole lot" while at the same time reminding everyone that you've already been having a whole lot fo sex, like Barry.

For being introduced at the reception as a married couple for the first time: I realize that no woman who will consent to marry me will ever agree to this, but I really would like "Here comes the hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze. Since that's not going to happen ever, "Burnin up" by Madonna.

First Dance: "Bonita" By Antonio Carlos Jobim, one of the best songs ever, and to me, what it sounds like to be in love. Runner ups are "Heart" By the Pet Shop Boys, "Pretty Ballerina" by the Left Banke, and "Lovely Day" by Bill Whithers (Sorry Tif, but it's awesome).

So my question then is, assuming that when you're engaged both you and your fiancee have good taste and also want your unification to be fun and cool, what songs would you choose for your wedding?


* That's sexy debasing, mind you. Mm Mm MMMM.

Just in from NME, it looks like reclusive genius and This Space for Rent Patron Saint Scott Walker has signed a new record deal:

The star, who first found fame in the 1960s with The Walker Brothers, has not released an album since 1995’s ‘Tilt’. He is best known for his quartet of 1960s albums, ‘Scott’ through to ’Scott 4’.

4AD have also enjoyed a long history, providing home to the US indie dynasty of the Pixies, The Breeders and Throwing Muses


That's damn right. Regular readers and friends know that I* slavishly worship the genius of Scott Walker, and frequently lament the reclusive life he leads, which means no tours or live performances, and very few interviews. I'm hoping that with this new deal, we might yet get to see the man live. He is quite simply one of the greatest musical geniuses of the last 50 years. Also, he can look surprisingly like a stripper posing as a policeman, which is really rad.




The compilation "It's Raining Today" is a great place to begin Scott Walker 101.

*Preemptively, I aknowledge Matt Villines as an equally huge fan, and also, as the friend who introduced me to Scott.